In “What could go wrong?” news, it has been reported that Immigration and Customs Enforcement plans to spend up to $20 million to equip ICE officers with electrified patrol gloves that are cleverly, or sadistically, named Generated Low Output Voltage Emitters — GLOVE, get it?
Those who do get it, literally, will receive a painful shock designed to force submission without leaving physical marks, nor bodily evidence of misuse. Indeed, What can can wrong?
An outcry has risen to ban GLOVEs, but I favor limited use in the private sector. For example, equip school librarians with GLOVEs so they can gently place a hand on the shoulders of parents who raise a ruckus to ban books: “Shhhhhh, now. I’m sorry for your discomfort, but books never hurt anyone.”
As for teachers, these are not “kid gloves” as the manufacturer expressly warns that the GLOVE should not be used on children — however, parents who become threatening would seem fair game.
Anyone who must shake hands with That Guy (and we have all met one, unfortunately, often a businessman who is louder than his neck tie; or an annoying uncle; or a former frat boy with an ego larger than his true golf handicap which he has officially made smaller by cheating) Who Turns A Handshake Into A Feat Of Trying To Prove His Alpha Masculinity By Squeezing Your Hand Hard(!) While Grinding Your Knuckles Until You Wince, can turn the tables with a GLOVE and make him cry uncle first.
In a twist from the 1920s, fashionably dressed (or even casually attired) women in 2026 should henceforth start routinely wearing GLOVEs — if her date gets a little handsy, she can elegantly place a hand on his cheek with an electrified caress that surpasses a slap by delivering the kick of a mule.
The sports world definitely can use new GLOVEs. For example, when an obnoxious fan gets truly unruly, or outbattles a kid for a foul ball, how better to handle the situation than with an electrified high-five!
In soccer, the epidemic of flopping and diving when a foul never happened can be eliminated overnight by giving referees a GLOVE and marching orders to lend a helping hand up off the ground to every cleated Shakespearean performer.
A special baseball GLOVE — MITT: Mighty Irritating Timing Tool (trademark pending) — will put an end to extended replay challenges. With electrified MITTs, a baserunner’s twitching body will make it obvious the precise instant he is tagged. Or, no twitch: “Safe!”
The GLOVE will be ideal for restaurant waitstaff when a drunk (or sober) patron gets out of hand or overly flirtatious with a touching hand. Recommended voltage: 15 to 20 percent. As for annoying customers who order a steak cooked rare and then complain because it is pink inside, servers can simply dial up the GLOVE’s intensity, place three fingers on the beef and zap it to “well done” right at the table.
Constituents at town hall meetings will be allowed to “take the gloves off” by putting GLOVEs on to shake hands with any elected official who dodges their questions or flat-out lies.
Walkers and runners will certainly love the GLOVE. When an off-leash dog rushes at them, an electrified hand can safely defuse the situation — not by “petting” the unleashed dog into submission, for the animal is not to blame; rather, by zapping the irresponsible dog owner for not controlling their pet.
Ditto, except with the voltage set to “medium well,” for any dog owner who fails to pick up after Fido does his business.
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Essay copyrights Woody Woodburn
Woody’s new novel “The Butterfly Tree” is now available in paperback and eBook at Amazon (click here), other online bookstores, and is orderable at all bookshops.
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Woody writes a weekly column for The Ventura County Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram at @woodywoodburn.