One City Can Become Any City

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One City Can Become

Any City, Every City

Even though my column runs on the Opinion page, I generally try to keep it a retreat from politics and controversies and instead provide a smile, a laugh, some sunshine among the clouds.

Today is an exception. Today is thunder and lightning.

John Lewis, the legendary civil rights leader who died eight days ago, famously said: “When you see something that is not right, not fair, not just, you have to speak up.”

What we have seen happening in Portland, Oregon, is not right, not fair, not just. In honor of Lewis, I have to speak up.

American citizens being snatched off sidewalks by unidentified federal forces in unmarked vans and not told why nor where they are being taken, is not right.

“A Wall of Moms” being tear-gassed while peacefully trying to protect Black Lives Matter protesters from federal forces, camouflaged and armed as if for war, is not fair.

Peacefully protesting “Wall of Moms” being tear-gassed by federal agents in Portland.

A 52-year-old United States Navy veteran standing as still as a statue while being pepper sprayed in the face and having a semi-automatic weapon pointed at his chest and then being repeatedly beaten with batons by federal agents, their home-run swings so powerful as to break a bone in his hand as well as a finger so badly it required surgery, is not just.

Indeed, using excessive police force against citizens who are protesting police brutality is ironic and tragic. Understand, this was a man who has bravely served this country, not a rioter. The video of his beating resembles the newsreels showing John Lewis being violently billy clubbed nearly to death by a state trooper during a civil rights march in Selma, Ala., more than half a century ago.

How very little has changed in so long a time.

There are those who will label me a liberal (rightly so) and broadly label the Portland protesters (wrongly so) “rioters”, “looters” and “anarchists.” In turn, they argue the heavy-handed force is merited.

Such callousness is where the slope gets slippery, grows steeper, becomes a point of no return.

As Martin Niemöller famously wrote in 1946: “First they came for the Communists / And I did not speak out / Because I was not a Communist / Then they came for the Socialists / And I did not speak out / Because I was not a Socialist / Then they came for the trade unionists / And I did not speak out / Because I was not a trade unionist / Then they came for the Jews / And I did not speak out / Because I was not a Jew / Then they came for me / And there was no one left / To speak out for me.”

Those who support the current deployment of what has been called “secret police” and “American Gestapo” should be every bit as fearful by what is happening as are those who support the protesters. After all, Portland can become Plano; a “blue” city can become a “red” city; any city can become every city.

Indeed, we must all heed Niemöller’s warning. Black Lives Matter supporters being beaten with batons and gassed and pulled off the streets without justification today can tomorrow become open-carry defenders rounded up without warrant; “they” and “he” can become “us” and “me.”

The uniformed officers, politicians and others who enacted similar violence in the name of our government against John Lewis and his heroic peers as they practiced civil disobedience have not been remembered kindly by history. Today will be no different.

We all need to speak out for each other. Now.

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Woody Woodburn writes a weekly column for The Ventura County Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram at @woodywoodburn. His books are available at www.WoodyWoodburn.com.

Check out my memoir WOODEN & ME: Life Lessons from My Two-Decade Friendship with the Legendary Coach and Humanitarian to Help “Make Each Day Your Masterpiece” and my essay collection “Strawberries in Wintertime: Essays on Life, Love, and Laughter” …

 

Don’t Like This Writer? You’re Fired!

STRAW_CoverWoody’s highly anticipated new book “STRAWBERRIES IN WINTERTIME: Essays on Life, Love, and Laughter” is NOW available! Order your signed copy HERE! 

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Don’t Like This Writer? You’re Fired!

Editors note: Woody Woodburn is taking the day off. He has asked publicist “John Miller,” who reportedly worked for Donald Trump in 1991, to fill in today.

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The Ventura Star will be great again next Saturday because Woody Woodburn will be back with his column. Believe me, Mr. Woodburn is a great writer. Some people, many people, tell me he’s a very, very, very great writer.

Mr. Woodburn has all the best words. Long words, short words. Four-letter words and ten-letter words. You pick a number of letters, and he has a tremendous word.

Publicist "John Miller"

Publicist “John Miller”

A lot of people, smart people, people who read books, and I mean read a lot of books, thick books with many, many, pages, these really, really smart people tell me even Papa Hemingway was not as great a writer as Big Daddy Woody.

These same people, again I’m talking the smartest people, tell me Mr. Woodburn not only writes the best words, he writes unbelievable sentences and fantastic paragraphs. That’s the truth.

Think of the greatest columnists ever: Jim Murray, Red Smith, Ernie Pyle, Dear Abby. They couldn’t carry The Woodman’s laptop. Believe me.

What about the Ventura Star’s other columnists, you ask? Well, Colleen Cason, I’ve seen her type at her keyboard and she’s low-energy. Without three cups of coffee and a Red Bull she’s a total disaster.

Bill Nash’s columns are 10 percent shorter than Mr. Woodburn’s columns so obviously they are 10 percent worse.

Rhiannon Potkey and Jim Carlisle? Sports is called the newspaper toy department for a reason. That makes them Toys R Us writers.

And I’m not even going to mention Pa Ventura. But other people tell me Pa is really, really not a talented columnist. Pa-thetic. A real lightweight. Frankly, he’s a nasty guy.

Nobody, believe me nobody, has more respect for women readers than Mr. Woodburn. Women readers love him. And I’m talking beautiful women readers. Gorgeous women. Miss USA reads Mr. Woodburn’s columns, that’s the truth.

When you see the name “Woodburn” splashed above a column, you know it’s going to be classy and flashy and the best in the world. And Mr. Woodburn doesn’t just write columns – his name is on books, too.

Of all the books written in history, and I’m talking the greatest books ever, only The Good Book (The Bible) and The Great Book (“The Art of the Deal”) are better than “Wooden & Me” and “Strawberries in Wintertime.” And Mr. Woodburn’s next book, whatever it is, will be amazing. Believe me, absolutely amazing!

When you talk about writers, not just newspaper writers but writers of books, Mr. Woodburn is Mark Twain, John Steinbeck, Ernest Hemingway and J.K. Rowling rolled into one. Mr. Woodburn is huuuge like Shakespeare.

Speaking of huuuge, Mr. Woodburn’s Fitbit numbers make an Olympic marathoner envious. He also surfs the biggest waves, skis the tallest mountains and is more interesting than The Most Interesting Man in the World.

But back to writing. Mr. Woodburn leads all the Amazon.com polls. He has huuuge numbers, believe me. Any best-seller’s list that doesn’t rank Mr. Woodburn’s books at the very top is rigged. Totally corrupt.

Let’s be honest, a lot of writers are really not very smart people. But Mr. Woodburn’s IQ is high, SpaceX rocket-ship high, high like Einstein’s IQ, but with words instead of math numbers. This allows Mr. Woodburn to write some of the best words and sentences ever.

Mr. Woodburn’s energy is also high. He types lightening fast, believe me. You wouldn’t believe how fast he types. He has big hands yet his fingers dance on the keyboard like Fred Astaire.

I have heard from lots of people, you really wouldn’t even believe how many people, who say reading is dead. Reading’s best times are in the past, they say. But they are as stupid as our China trade deals. The Woodster is making reading great again.

Next Saturday’s column by Mr. Woodburn is going to be amazing. Phenomenal. Amazingly phenomenal. Believe me. Check it out and you won’t believe how very, very tremendous it is.

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Woody Woodburn writes a weekly column for The Ventura County Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com.

Wooden&Me_cover_PRCheck out my new memoir WOODEN & ME: Life Lessons from My Two-Decade Friendship with the Legendary Coach and Humanitarian to Help “Make Each Day Your Masterpiece”

Column: Celebrity Shopping

Celebrity Shopping Within Their Means

 

            News item: Billionaire media mogul Oprah Winfrey says she encountered racism in Switzerland, playground of the super rich and famous, when a sales clerk at Trois Pommes, a boutique in Zurich for the super rich and famous, refused to show the TV personality a handbag with a price tag of $38,000, telling the super rich and famous movie actress she couldn’t afford it.MoneyGold

 

“She said, ‘No, no, no, you don’t want to see that one,’ ” Winfrey quoted the clerk as saying. “ ‘You want to see this one. Because that one will cost too much; you will not be able to afford that.’ ”

 

The clerk slightly miscalculated: Winfrey, according to Forbes magazine, could afford it based on her $77 million income last year.

 

Here are a few similar, but unconfirmed, faux pas . . .

 

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Rather than a $38,000 wallet from Trios Pommes, Microsoft founder and philanthropist Bill Gates has set out to “buy” the worldwide eradication of polio.

 

Twenty-five years ago, polio was endemic in 125 countries with an estimated 350,000 people – primarily young children – paralyzed by the disease annually. Immunization efforts have since reduced polio cases globally by more than 99 percent and saved more than 10 million children from paralysis.

 

Polio is now endemic in just three countries: Nigeria, Pakistan and Afghanistan. Last year fewer than 250 cases were reported compared to 650 cases in 2011.

 

Gates is currently the world’s richest man with a reported net worth of “More Money Than God” – which in U.S. currency is $72.7 billion. Additionally, The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation has an endowment of more than $36 billion.

 

Still, in April when the foundation donated $1.8 billion to continue the surge against the scourge polio, the response Gates heard was: “No, no, no, why don’t you look at something more in your price range – like maybe trying to eradicate the sport of polo off the face of the earth.”

 

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            Tiger Woods was playing a round of golf with Donald Trump at Trump’s Trump National Golf Club on the Palos Verdes Peninsula, soon to be renamed Trump Peninsula.

 

The signature 18th hole alone cost $61 million to build, making it “the most expensive chunk of golf real estate on the planet” according to an actual quote from the man with the biggest chunk of ego on the planet.

 

Woods’ drive on No. 18 landed in green rough more tangled than Trump’s platinum hair. After taking three swings to get out of the pricey weeds, Woods, who according to Forbes magazine has a net worth of $600 million, angrily snapped his wedge in two and told Trump, “I want to buy your club.”

 

“No, no, no, you can’t afford it,” Trump replied, thinking Woods meant $264-million Trump National and not Trump’s $120 58-degree loft TaylorMade ATV Wedge with a KBS Tour 90 steel shaft.

 

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TaylorMade ACM (American Country Music) superstar Taylor Swift attended a charity auction where she bid on a dinner date with pop idol/bad boy Justin Bieber. When Swift opened with $100,000 (plus all traffic fines and bail for Beiber if required), the auctioneer shouted, “No, no, no, you are a young woman who probably still has student loans and surely can’t afford this!”

 

“That’s fun money for me,” replied Swift, who ranks No. 6 on Forbes’ Celebrity Top 100 with $55 million in earnings the past year. “Besides, if I write another break-up song after the date I can write it off as a business expense.”

 

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Oprah Winfrey encountered a second wrong-headed “No, no, no, you can’t afford it” comment while attending the 2013 Ventura County Fair and trying her hand at the softball throw.

 

“How many times do I have to knock all the milk bottles down to win that pretty handbag,” Winfrey asked the carney, who replied: “No, no, no, you can’t afford enough tickets to win the purse – why don’t you try for the little stuffed shark?”

 

Winfrey prevailed, winning the purse encrusted with faux diamonds and it only cost her $38,000 – $48 worth of fair game tickets plus $37,952 for orthopedic surgery to repair her rotator cuff.

 

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Woody Woodburn writes a weekly column for the Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com. His new memoir WOODEN & ME is available for pre-order at www.WoodyWoodburn.com.