Category Archives: Columns

Getting Things Off My Chest

by Woody

STRAW_CoverWoody’s highly anticipated new book “STRAWBERRIES IN WINTERTIME: Essays on Life, Love, and Laughter” is NOW available! Order your signed copy HERE! 

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Mr. Positive Takes a Negative Spin

A reader recently told me she likes my columns because they are always upbeat and positive. She meant it as a compliment, of course, but after waking up on the wrong side of the bed I see it as being typecast.

So if you were expecting 700 words of Winsome Woody this morning, you are going to be as disappointed as the proud owner of Dodge Challenger SRT Hellcat finding himself driving a Prius.

If you want sugar and nice, phone your grandma. I’m in a Donald Trump ranting at the “wise-guy media” kind of mood.

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1superbowllogoI’m steamed at the NFL for switching away from Roman numerals this season and calling its championship game “Super Bowl 50” instead of “Super Bowl L.”

How are school kids, and the rest of us, supposed to learn or remember Roman numerals now? On a scale of I to C, my ticked-off meter is at about

LXXXVIII.

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The Nincompoop Football League didn’t ask me, but this year’s game should be marketed as “Super BowL.”

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I’m churning mad at the Pacific Ocean for beating up our beloved Ventura Pier this winter.

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Tom Spence, community treasure and host at News Talk 1590 KVTA radio, ticks me off for being about XLIII times more funny than am I, as evidenced by this gem he came up with after Sarah Palin droned on and on while endorsing Donald Trump for president:

“A ‘Palindrone’ is something that does not make sense forward or backwards.”

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As for palindromes with an “m,” I prefer “I prefer pi” over “Tacocat.” However, I do prefer tacos over apple pi.

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The debates – Republican and Democratic – have me steam me like a frothy cappuccino.

Even more annoying than the candidates’ Palindroning and pandering is the moderators constantly harping “Time!” . . . “Time, senator/governor/secretary!” . . . “Time’s up, so please shut up!” while the politicians continue to blabber on.

I say it’s time put up a countdown talk clock, much like the NBA’s 24-second shot clock. In this case, when the clock hits zero a buzzer goes off and the podium mic is instantly shut off. If the candidate is in mid-sentence, though luck.

Better yet, place each podium above a dunk tank – candidates who continue to blow hot air after the buzzer sounds will find themselves drenched in cold water.

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The Southern California Gas Co. has me ready to blow my lid. I say make every SoCal Gas executive live in Porter Ranch 24/7 until the months-long natural gas leak is stopped.

I’m XCIX-percent certain that would make them act with more urgency.

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Similarly, force Michigan Gov. Rick Snyder along with all the leaders at the state Department of Environmental Quality to live – and bathe – in Flint, XXIV/VII, until the lead pipes that are poisoning the water are replaced.

Again, I guarantee you the crisis would suddenly be addressed with the all-out effort it rightly demands.

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Speaking of less-than-express action that steams me like an espresso, how about if the Post Office replaces its maple sap-slow window clerks with hyper-speed multi-tasking Starbucks baristas?

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Litter ticks me off, off the charts, especially people who throw cigarette butts out car windows and most especially those who pollute our beautiful beaches with this blight.

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Homelessness. We can, and must, do better.

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I get a surge of road rage that makes my head spin like the titanium-spoked wheel of a racing bike when I read in my favorite newspaper, seemingly weekly, about another cyclist being struck by a car.

To be sure, cyclists who feel like they own the road are maddening – but in my experience they are the minority of the Spandex set.

More maddening, and I believe more common, are impatient drivers who don’t want to share the road with cyclists – and, worse yet, make their displeasure known by buzzing dangerously close when passing them.

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My DCC words are up. Thanks for reading. You’ve been a great audience. Drive safely.

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Woody Woodburn writes a weekly column for The Ventura County Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com.

Wooden&Me_cover_PRCheck out my new memoir WOODEN & ME: Life Lessons from My Two-Decade Friendship with the Legendary Coach and Humanitarian to Help “Make Each Day Your Masterpiece”

 

This and That, Plus Balls Tally

by Woody

STRAW_CoverWoody’s new book STRAWBERRIES IN WINTERTIME: Essays on Life, Love, and Laughter is available for Pre-Order HERE NOW! In time for the holidays!

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This, that and final holiday ball tally

            Nobody asked me, but here goes anyway . . .

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It has certainly been “raining cats and dogs” this week, which raises the question: How in the world did that crazy expression originate?

During my trip to Ireland last year, I got the answer – or, at least, one that makes as much sense as any.1catsdogsrain

During a countryside tour of County Cork, our guide pointed out a number of traditional thatched roofs that still exist. He explained that when these roofs were the standard long ago, cats and dogs actually climbed up, burrowed into, and slept inside the thick straw.

When it rained exceptionally hard, the animals would jump out to escape from near drowning. Hence the expression, “It’s raining cats and dogs.”

Even if our Irish guide was pulling our American legs, I like it!

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The word “unbelievable,” I believe, is greatly overworked.

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Listen up, NFL and NCAA football! Either do away with the rule against offensive players pushing, pulling and using forklifts to assist the ball carrier, or start throwing the penalty flag. It looks like a rugby scrum on 25 percent of the running plays!

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I lack all musical genes, and have no songwriting experience whatsoever, but I am still convinced I could write a hit for Adele.

Shoot, I believe she could sing this column and make it sound wonderful, so unbelievable is her voice.

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Speaking of unbelievable voices, Dodgers broadcaster Vin Scully once told me about a fantastic book he had just finished reading, “The Professor and the Madman.”

Hearing him summarize this story behind the creation of the Oxford English Dictionary made me think that Scully could read straight from the Oxford English Dictionary and make it sound like poetry set to music.

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The Jane Laut murder trial in Ventura County for the fatal shooting of her husband, former Olympic athlete Dave Laut, is finally set to begin next week.

Understand, the shooting took place on August 29, 2009 – more than six years ago. And only now, in January 2016, the trial? Unbelievable!

The judge and court didn’t ask me, and I only know what I read in my favorite newspaper, but that is so glacier-ly slow it seems here like one or both sides have been more focused on playing games and stalling rather than on pursuing timely justice. That’s just my two cents.

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The lighting in grocery stores is truly unbelievable: bananas that appear a nice yellow turn out to be green as limes when I get them home in sunlight.

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Nobody who contributed to “Woody’s Holiday Ball Drive” asked to be recognized in print, but I feel their generosity deserves nothing less and is a small measure of thanks for the disadvantaged kids they made smile.

Contributors not mentioned here previously include, in no special order: Marty and Freida Harary, Bill Ferguson, Tom and Sheila McCollum, Jim and Sandie Arthur, Kay Giles, Michael Mariani, Norma Fulkerson, Howard and Kathy Reich, Tom and Karyne Roweton, Brad and Mia Ditto, Audrey Rubin, Orvene Carpenter, Lisa Trout, Ann and Kevin Drescher, Steve Magoon, Steve Askay, Patricia Herman, Kathy and Jim Vargeson, Arlys Tuttle, Gayle Camalich, Trudy Tuttle Arriaga, Toni Tuttle-Santana, Kymberly King, Doug Woodburn, Jim Woodburn, James Woodburn, Linda Reynolds, Sally and Tom Reeder, Kathy and Joe Vaughan, and many anonymous angels as well.

Also, shoutouts to Draza Mrvichin, who gave a mix of 14 balls; my former next-door neighbor from childhood, Norma Zuber, and her PEO Sisterhood service group, which donated 19 various balls; and Jerry and Linda Mendelsohn, who donated 20 balls evenly split between basketball and soccer.

The finally tally from this past holiday season was . . .

. . . drum roll, please . . .

. . . a whopping 253 new sports balls – up from 211 a year ago – broken down thusly: 148 basketballs, 62 soccer balls, 27 footballs and 16 playground balls.

Thank you, dear readers. Your kindness is unbelievable.

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Woody Woodburn writes a weekly column for The Ventura County Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com.

Wooden&Me_cover_PRCheck out my new memoir WOODEN & ME: Life Lessons from My Two-Decade Friendship with the Legendary Coach and Humanitarian to Help “Make Each Day Your Masterpiece”

 

Advice: Chase Butterflies

by Woody

STRAW_CoverWoody’s new book STRAWBERRIES IN WINTERTIME: Essays on Life, Love, and Laughter is available for Pre-Order HERE NOW! In time for the holidays!

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My Your Heart Go Aflutter in New Year

Chase butterflies.

When asked recently to write a brief essay on the topic of “A Letter Of Advice To My 21-Year-Old Self,” that was my answer in a nutshell. Chase butterflies.

I will soon explain more fully.1butterfly

But first let me say that chasing butterflies also seems timely advice, for anyone of any age, as we begin our 2016 journey around the sun.

Even though spring is yet a far ways off, the turning of the calendar pages from the old year to the new always brings to my mind a butterfly emerging from its cocoon. The caterpillar’s past has been shed and left behind; the world is anew and bright and full of promise.

Moreover, most butterflies emerge in the morning – again, the image of a new year’s fresh beginning. Indeed, New Year resolutions are goals for a personal metamorphosis of sorts.

But my advice to chase butterflies is more than metaphorical.

Remember in your youth when you raced after Monarchs with a butterfly net? There are few images of girlhood or boyhood more carefree.

Perhaps you did not even catch any butterflies. That didn’t even matter because the joy was in the running, in the sport of it, in the zig-zagging through a field until you were out of breath – the breathlessness, in part, from laughing at your “failure” to catch the elusive fluttering prey.

Lesson from the child: when is the last time as an adult you didn’t let “failure” get you down and instead happily laughed it off?

Yes, we would all do well to pursue our adult passions with this same sense of joy and play as we did racing barefooted in the grass with a cheesecloth net-on-a-stick in our hands.

Chasing butterflies also means embracing things that scare you – things that make your stomach flutter with nervousness.

As I wrote in that letter to my 21-year-old college self: “Remember the swarm of butterflies doing cartwheels in your stomach the first time you asked out that gorgeous girl you are now dating? Spoiler alert, Woody, that works out marvelously even 34 years later!”

The butterflies of trying new things and taking chances should not be avoided. The riskier thing, truly, is to remain inside a safe cocoon. As the Roman poet Virgil noted, “Fortune favors the bold.”

Fortune favors butterfly chasers, I say.

Or as Mark Twain so wisely put it: “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

And, he might have well added, do things that make the butterflies in your belly dance.

Eleanor Roosevelt knew this, famously advising: “Do one thing every day that scares you.”1Bold

If the word “scares” scares you, keep in mind that “frightening” is a close cousin of “exciting.” So when a new challenge or unchartered adventure or out-of-your-comfort-zone opportunity gives you butterflies, run (BEGINITAL)towards(ENDITAL) it not from it!

Throw off your bowlines and learn a new language. Take guitar lessons. Or golf lessons. Enroll in a painting class. Sign up for volunteer work.

Train for a marathon. Learn to surf. Climb Mount Whitney.

Start writing that novel you have long felt you had inside you. Ask someone on a date – or accept the invite.

Join Toastmasters and tackle your fear of public speaking. Tackle a career change from the safe job you have, but doesn’t excite you, to the one of your dreams.

Travel. Explore. Go sailing. Go for it!

I closed my letter to my younger self with John Wooden’s “7-Point Creed,” which I consider to be concise wisdom of great breadth and depth:

Be true to yourself.

Make each day your masterpiece.

Help others.

Drink deeply from good books.

Make friendship a fine art.

Build a shelter against a rainy day.

Pray for guidance and give thanks for your blessings every day.

And, I concluded, add this eighth point: Chase butterflies.

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Woody Woodburn writes a weekly column for The Ventura County Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com.

Wooden&Me_cover_PRCheck out my new memoir WOODEN & ME: Life Lessons from My Two-Decade Friendship with the Legendary Coach and Humanitarian to Help “Make Each Day Your Masterpiece”

 

Special Birthday Request

by Woody

STRAW_CoverWoody’s new book STRAWBERRIES IN WINTERTIME: Essays on Life, Love, and Laughter is available for Pre-Order HERE NOW! In time for the holidays!

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Turning Down a Birthday Request

            The letter writer was polite, almost apologetic, and full of praise. Also, as is often the case when readers reach out to me, had a request.

“First of all, thanks for taking the time to read this email,” Chuck Herrera began. “I would like to say I enjoy reading your column every Saturday in the Ventura County Star and also in the past had enjoyed your sports write ups in the Star-Free Press.

“I just recently got a great tip last week in The Star about a cool book sale in Santa Paula where I purchased all kinds of great books and music. I tell you, my purchases were the best entertainment value I have had in quite some time.

“In the digital age, I still prefer turning book pages. A couple of books of interest I picked up were “Jim Murray: The Last of the Best” and your book “Wooden & Me” which I plan on giving to one of my brothers for Christmas. He is a huge Coach Wooden fan.

“Another reason I am writing . . .”

Aha, after the introductory butter-up here comes the favor request.

“. . . is because I have five brothers and the one I plan on giving your book to, his name is Ron, and it happens to be his birthday on Christmas Day. And this year is a special birthday for him.

“He is turning 60, which for him is truly a miracle because Ron was born in 1955 and he was born with Spina Bifida with a slim-to-none chance to survive. But my parents refused to believe that and took him home and cared for him and loved him. If there were a Parents Hall of Fame, they would have been first-time ballot selections.

“Ron is amazing. He has never kicked a football in his life, but by studying books, film, clinics, etc., he learned. He volunteers and coaches high school-level football kickers from Buena to currently Rio Mesa High School. He also coaches Freshman Basketball. The kids love him and he loves coaching.

“For all the times Ron has been in and out of hospitals, months at a time in some instances, and even the times we thought we were saying our final ‘goodbyes’ to him, he has never once felt sorry for himself or complained about one of the million things he could complain about.”

Having a hold on my attention, and my heart, Chuck then added my favorite Wooden-ism to try and seal the deal: “Ron just goes about Making Every Day His Masterpiece.

“My request, if possible,” Ron concludes, finally getting to The Big Ask, “is we are celebrating his Big 60 with a big celebration for him on Saturday, December 26th. If you could give him a birthday shout-out in your column that Saturday, he would love it! If you can’t, I understand.

“Thanks for your time,

“Chuck Herrera”

Well, Chuck, I obviously cannot wish your brother Ron a birthday shout-out in print today. It would simply set a bad precedent.

I mean, if I granted your request the next thing I know every remarkable person kicking Spina Bifida’s butt for six decades and serving as an inspiration and role model for the rest of us on how to slam dunk self-pity and instead Make Each Day Our Masterpiece, no matter the challenges we face, would all want me to do the same for them.

There are just so many important things I should write about in my column. For instance, “Star Wars: The Force Awakens,” which is all everyone is talking about these days. I really should offer my two-cent review.

Or perhaps share my New Year’s resolutions or predictions for 2016. And, of course, there’s always El Nino to write about as well as the verbal El Nino known as Donald Trump. And on and on.

So, Chuck, thanks for your letter but I just can’t honor your request. Sorry. I hope you understand. Maybe next year I can find a small space in my column to offer a “Happy Birthday, Ron!” shout-out.

Sincerely,

Woody

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Woody Woodburn writes a weekly column for The Ventura County Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com.

Wooden&Me_cover_PRCheck out my new memoir WOODEN & ME: Life Lessons from My Two-Decade Friendship with the Legendary Coach and Humanitarian to Help “Make Each Day Your Masterpiece”

 

Top-shelf Books from 2015

by Woody

STRAW_CoverWoody’s new book STRAWBERRIES IN WINTERTIME: Essays on Life, Love, and Laughter is available for Pre-Order HERE NOW! In time for the holidays!

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Turning the Pages Through 2015

Good things, sometimes, must come to an end. After doing an annual column for the past six years recommending some of my favorite books, I was of the mind to end the tradition – or at least take a hiatus.

The short reason was that my reading list was too short on this trip around the sun. My yearly goal is to read 52 books, but I fell far shy of averaging one a week in 2015. My tally to date, in fact, is only 29. Writing a new book, it seems, interferes greatly with reading them.

Catching up with Drew Daywalt, author of "The Day the Crayons Quit" and "The Day the Crayons Came Home."

Catching up with Drew Daywalt, author of “The Day the Crayons Quit” and “The Day the Crayons Came Home.”

But I changed my mind the other day when I was in a bookstore picking up a copy of “The Day the Crayons Came Home” as a gift. A woman recognized me – and also said I was much taller in person than my column picture suggests, although I have no idea how a tiny mug shot can suggest height one way or the other – and asked when I was going to share my annual book recommendations.

When I answered I was passing on the book column this year, she begged me to reconsider. I did. Here goes.

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 I will begin with none other than “The Day the Crayons Came Home” by my friend and Oak Park resident, Drew Daywalt. (Which means I am also recommending Drew’s debut children’s book, “The Day the Crayons Quit.”)

As with the best of children’s literature, one need not be a kid to enjoy these two mega-award winners – the first is even being made into a big-budget movie. So pick up a copy of each for a child you know – but read them yourself first!

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Another surprise recommendation is a YA – Young Adult – novel.

“All the Bright Places” is also written by a friend of mine, Jennifer Niven, and has won a wheelbarrow full of 2015 honors – and is also being made into a movie, starring Elle Flanning.

Despite being YA, “All the Bright Places” is dark and gritty and mysterious enough to captivate OA – Older Adult – readers.

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After reading John L. Parker’s newest novel, “Racing the Rain,” I felt compelled to re-read the other two books in the trilogy about Quenton Cassidy: “Once a Runner” and “Again To Carthage.”

“Racing the Rain” is the prequel to “Once a Runner,” which was originally published in paperback in 1978 in such limited numbers that its cult following caused tattered copies to sell for $200 and higher on eBay until it was finally reprinted in hardcover in 2010.

Reading the entire story in chronological order – “Again to Carthage” was the second to come out, but is the finale – enriched all three.

By the way, one need not be a runner to enjoy Parker’s storytelling because Cassidy’s running quest is a metaphor for the journey of life.

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“The Yosemite” by John Muir. Enough said.

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David McCullough again makes my top shelf, as the two-time Pulitzer Prize-winner does pretty much any year he comes out with a new historical gem, this time with “The Wright Brothers.”

The most obvious, accurate and shortest blurb to describe this latest effort is: “ ‘The Wright Brothers’ soars!”

My enjoyment of this text was enriched by seeing McCullough give a talk in Santa Barbara about the Wright Brothers.

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Similarly, I read “I Am Malala: The Girl Who Stood Up for Education and Was Shot by the Taliban” after seeing the Nobel Peace Prize’s youngest-ever winner – at age 17 – speak at the Arlington Theatre this summer.

Rest assured, her story is equally inspiring on the written page as over a microphone.

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After beginning this column with a couple friends, it seems fitting to end with one more.

Recommended to me by my pal Clint Garman, who as a pastor and owner of Garman’s Restaurant & Irish Pub in Santa Paula is an expert on both topics covered in the pages, “The Search for God and Guinness: A Biography of the Beer that Changed the World” by Stephen Mansfield was as enjoyably rich in education as a pint of “the good stuff” is rich in flavor.

Cheers! And happy reading in 2016.

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Woody Woodburn writes a weekly column for The Ventura County Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com.

Wooden&Me_cover_PRCheck out my new memoir WOODEN & ME: Life Lessons from My Two-Decade Friendship with the Legendary Coach and Humanitarian to Help “Make Each Day Your Masterpiece”

Thank a Teacher

by Woody

STRAW_CoverWoody’s new book STRAWBERRIES IN WINTERTIME: Essays on Life, Love, and Laughter is available for Pre-Order HERE NOW! In time for the holidays!

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Never Too Late to Thank a Teacher

Some things never change. I have been out of school for three decades, but once more I am turning in an assignment late. California’s 17th annual Retired Teachers Week was last week.

Um, my dog deleted my laptop doc.

Seriously, even belatedly is a good time to reach out by letter, email, phone or Facebook to let your own favorite teachers – retired or not – know the impact they had on you.1teach

If, sadly, they have passed away, then honor them by mentoring someone else – for, as John Wooden said: “Mentoring is your true legacy. It is the greatest inheritance you can give to others.”

Like most of us, I was blessed with some terrific teachers including a select few true life-changers. One such benefactor was my sixth-grade teacher, Mrs. Hutchings, who challenged me to be a leader with my voice not just my actions.

“I would like to see Woody be less of an independent entity in the classroom and more inclined to lead his fellow man,” she wrote on my report card in 1972. Part of my difficulty was that for the first time ever neither of my two best friends, Jim Hendrix and Dan Means, was in my class.

Kindly, Mrs. Hutchings also offered written praise: “Woody has a delightful sense of humor and a sense of fair play that is very unusual for his age.”

According to that report card, math was my strong suit while English was my shortcoming: “Woody does an outstanding job on reports but his vocabulary words and spelling limit his grades.”

Despite these deficiencies, Mrs. Hutchings encouraged me to be the editor of the “newspaper” she helped our class publish that spring. Perhaps this was also her way of nurturing my leadership growth.

Perhaps, too, her mentorship is responsible for you reading these words today.

Long after I last left her classroom, I received a letter out of the blue from Mrs. Hutchings, by then retired. She had seen my long-form feature “The Toughest Miler Ever” about American Olympian, World War II hero and POW survivor, Louie Zamperini, that appeared in The Best American Sports Writing 2001. She complimented the piece and said she was pleased and proud to learn I had become a writer.

I wrote back and told her, much too belatedly, that she had been a special teacher in my life. I also shared the words Coach Wooden had sent to me in response to the first of many columns I would write about him: “Although it is often used without true feeling, when it is used with sincerity, no collection or words can be more expressive or meaningful than the very simple word – Thanks!”

In middle school, Harold McFadden was another life-changing teacher. I had “Coach Mac” for Physical Education in five of my six semesters at Balboa Junior High. More than sports, he taught me about goal setting, believing and achieving.

12teachAs often happens, even with our dearest mentors, we fall out of touch and such was the case with Coach Mac. It saddens me that I did not stop by my old school to see him during my visits home to Ventura after I went off to college and beyond. Now, curses to cancer, it is too late.

For the most part, the names of my teachers at Balboa, Buena High and UC Santa Barbara have faded from memory. Three – one from each school – who remain indelible for their lasting impact are Mr. Howell, an inspiring metal shop teacher; Joe Vaughan, a role model in all ways; and John Ridland, an English professor who broke down the poetry of Robert Frost and more importantly built up my confidence as a writer.

My Favorite Teacher Ever, however, the one who in the words of Frost truly “made all the difference,” was in my post-graduate studies “Life 101” class taught by Professor John Robert Wooden.

Wooden preferred to be thought of as a “teacher” not a “coach.” By either title, none taught me more – or more-important things – than he. I am thankful I told him so before it was too late.

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Wooden&Me_cover_PRWoody Woodburn writes a weekly column for The Ventura County Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com.

Check out my new memoir WOODEN & ME: Life Lessons from My Two-Decade Friendship with the Legendary Coach and Humanitarian to Help “Make Each Day Your Masterpiece”

Halloween Suggestions

by Woody

STRAW_CoverWoody’s new book STRAWBERRIES IN WINTERTIME: Essays on Life, Love, and Laughter is available for Pre-Order HERE NOW!

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Trick-or-Treaters I’d Like to See

Spoiler alert for tonight. According to Google Freightgeist, the 10 most-popular Halloween costumes nationwide this year are: Harley Quinn, Star Wars, Superhero, Pirate, Batman, Minnie Mouse, Witch, Minions, Joker, and Wonder Woman.

Harley Quinn

Harley Quinn

I don’t know about you, but this list raised a couple questions for me, the first being: Who, or what, is Harley Quinn? A new motorcycle? After a Google search I learned that Harley Quinn, aka Dr. Harleen Frances Quinzel, M.D., is a DC Comics character and adversary of Batman.

As for her why her costume ranks No. 1, well, I’m guessing adult women more than girls account for this as Quinn is basically The Joker version of The Sexy Nurse costume.

My second question: Isn’t it redundant for Google Freightgeist to list “Superhero” when Batman and Wonder Woman are also ranked? And where in he world is Superman?

Google Freightgeist also has an interesting map showing popularity by region and city. Ventura does not appear, but Santa Barbara’s Top 5 are: Sexy Pirate, Sexy Snow White, Sexy Lion, Sexy Gray Wolf, and Sexy Doll. (Note: I added the Sexy after Googling these costumes that are obviously marketed for women.)

Indeed, unlike when I was a kid, Halloween has become a national holiday for adults, too. If you can believe it, pets now also get in on the fun with Batman and Lion being the two most popular costumes this year on eBay.

When I was a kid, no one bought Halloween costumes for their pets or children. You made do. For example, my Batman costume consisted of thermal underwear as Bat-Tights and a bath towel pinned around my neck.

In that same spirit, instead of sterile costumes from a box, here are some outside-the-box Halloween outfits I’d like to see come knocking on my door tonight:

Real superhero firemen, paramedics and nurses dressed up as cartoon superheroes with capes.

Teachers, and most especially special-needs educators, same as above.

Superman, Batman and Iron Man dressed up as Anthony Sadler, Alek Skarlatos and Spencer Stone, the three American tourists who helped thwart a terrorist gunman on a train bound for Paris earlier this summer.

Vin Scully wearing a headset as a guest in Fox TV’s broadcast booth for the 2015 World Series.

Angels manager Mike Scioscia dressed up again in a Dodgers uniform.

The 2015 New York Mets dressed up as the Amazin’ Mets of 1969.

The Cubs dressed as World Series Champions.

Malala Yousafzai dressed up as the future President of the United Nations.

Donald Trump dressed up as a mime and Dr. Ben Carson as an over-caffeinated high-energy TV pitchman.

Bernie Sanders as, of course, Larry David.

Every presidential candidate in both parties dressed up as someone taking a lie-detector test.

Martin Shkreli, CEO of Turing Pharmaceuticals who put a 5,000 percent markup on a lifesaving drug, dressed as greedy Mr. Potter from “It’s a Wonderful Life.” Or as a thief in jail stripes.

Kobe Bryant dressed in his rookie Lakers uniform, complete with young, springy legs.

Tom Brady in a costume as a deflated football.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell dressed up as a concussion patient.

1tricktreatA family out for dinner in a restaurant dressed as Amish Mennonites instead of everyone having his or her attention focused on a smartphone screen.

No one in costume as Caitlyn Jenner.

Mrs. Figs’ Bookworm owner Connie Halpern dressed as Oprah because she’s equally effervescent and a book reader’s best friend.

Roger Thompson, Venturan author of “My Best Friend’s Funeral,” dressed up as a New York Times best-selling writer.

Drew Daywalt, local author of two children’s books currently atop the NYT Best Sellers List with “The Day The Crayons Came Home” at No. 1 and “The Day The Crayons Quit” at No. 3, dressed up as, of course, a crayon.

The USDA Food Pyramid dressed up as a Fourth of July red-white-and-blue paper plate stacked with hotdogs, bacon and cold cuts.

KVTA radio early-morning host Tom Spence dressed as The Tonight Show’s late-night host Jimmy Fallon because Spence is funnier.

Every drunk driver dressed up as a taxi, Uber or Lyft passenger.

Lastly, my wife as Harley Quinn.

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Woody Woodburn writes a weekly column for The Ventura County Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com.Wooden&Me_cover_PR

Check out my new memoir WOODEN & ME: Life Lessons from My Two-Decade Friendship with the Legendary Coach and Humanitarian to Help “Make Each Day Your Masterpiece”

Pilgrimage to ‘Authors Ridge’

by Woody

 Woody’s new book STRAWBERRIES IN WINTERTIME: STRAW_CoverEssays on Life, Love, and Laughter is available for Pre-Order HERE NOW!

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Pilgrimage to Bridge and ‘Authors Ridge’

This is the second in a four-column series on my recent travels to the Eastern Seaboard to visit my son – and visit much more.

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1NoethBridge

The Old North Bridge, in Concord, Mass.

Sixty miles north of Plymouth Rock, I made a pilgrimage to another “ground zero” in American history: the Old North Bridge in Concord, Mass., where the Revolutionary War erupted on April 19, 1775.

The replica bridge, like Plymouth Rock, proved much smaller in person than anticipated. Also, similarly, it made my imagination whirl as I surveyed the landscape, my sight rising from the Concord River to the high ground where the Minute Men held the advantage.

Surprisingly, a different ridge proved to be a higher highlight for me.

On our rental-car drive to the Old North Bridge, my wife and I made a short detour to Sleepy Hollow Cemetery. Specifically, to the upper area near the back called “Authors Ridge.”

1AuthorsRidgeIt is a fitting name because on this picturesque-as-a-thousand-words tree-shaded ridge, all within an acorn’s toss of each other, are the graves of four significant 19th Century American authors: Nathaniel Hawthorne, Louisa May Alcott, Ralph Waldo Emerson and Henry David Thoreau. Call it Ridge Rushmore.

First up is the Thoreau family plot which has a shared monument stone the size of a chest of drawers bearing the names, birth dates and dates of death of parents John and Cynthia D., as well as their offspring John Jr., Helen L., Henry D. (Born July 12, 1817, Died May 6, 1862) and Sophia E.

Surrounding the monument are six small headstones, each barely bigger than a hardcover book, reading: Mother, Father, Sophia, John, Helen and …

… Henry.

How perfect this is, for as he famously advised during his life: “Simplify, simplify.” No dates. No full name. Simply “HENRY” in all caps.

Modest be it, Henry’s marker readily stands out for it is decorated like a Christmas tree, albeit instead of with ornaments and lights it is adorned with a classroom’s worth of pens and pencils of various colors leaning against it, some with messages and names – “Thank You” and “Bless You” and “Anna” and “Steven” on this day – written on them by worshipers who made the pilgrimage to pay homage.

This shows you how very small, and simple, HENRY's marker is.

This shows you how very small, and simple, Thoreau’s HENRY marker is.

Originally, I left behind a pen but quickly thought the better of it and instead balanced a yellow No. 2 pencil – after writing “Simplify” and “Woody” on it – for in addition to being a writer, poet, philosopher, naturalist and surveyor, Thoreau was a renowned pencil maker.

The headstone for the author of “The Scarlet Letter” is slightly larger than Henry’s marker, and rests upon a pedestal, yet it too is simple, reading only: Hawthorne. It also has a few pens left at its base, as well as coins and stones balanced upon its arched top.

A flat rectangular stone, whitened by the elements and flush to the ground, marks the grave of Louisa M. Alcott, author of “Little Women.” A Union nurse during the Civil War, Alcott’s grave also has a small American flag, the sort a child might wave curbside at a Fourth of July parade, with a “U.S. Veteran” medallion on its staff. Expectedly, the site is graced with a collection of pencils and pens.

Ralph Waldo Emerson’s gravestone, meanwhile, is a refrigerator-sized hunk of beautiful raw granite. Attached is a copper plaque, long ago having turned a handsome green patina, decorated with four flowers on top and below reading: Ralph Waldo Emerson / Born in Boston May 25 1803 / Died in Concord April 27 1882.

Lastly, the plaque quotes this line from his poem “The Problem” –

“The passive Master lent his hand / To the vast soul that o’er him planned.”

The problem of where to place pens and pencils to honor the word master Emerson has been solved by admirers who have wedged pennies and dimes between the plaque and granite, some of the coins at 90-degree angles to form mini-shelves. So it was I balanced the pen originally intended for Thoreau’s marker.

Leaving “Authors Ridge”, breathtaking in both its beauty and literary hallowedness, this line from Thoreau came fittingly to mind: “Heaven is under our feet as well as over our heads.”

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Woody Woodburn writes a weekly column for The Ventura County Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com.

Wooden-&-Me-cover-mock-upCheck out my new memoir WOODEN & ME: Life Lessons from My Two-Decade Friendship with the Legendary Coach and Humanitarian to Help “Make Each Day Your Masterpiece”

Column: Readers Offer Support

by Woody

 Woody’s new book STRAW_Cover

STRAWBERRIES IN WINTERTIME: Essays on Life, Love, and Laughter

is available for Pre-Order HERE NOW!

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Avalanche of Email Proves Surprising

It is well-established in the newspaper business that readers are far more likely to write a letter in response to a story or column they disagree with than one with which they are like-minded.

Therefore I was prepared for an avalanche of cold disagreement to my hot-button pro-gun control column three weeks past headlined: Shooter Kills (Fill In The Number) Again.

As expected, a Costco-sized bulk package of emails flooded my inbox. Unexpectedly, the bulk did not take me to task. In fact, it was not even split pro-con down the middle. Remarkably my email was 100 percent favorable.

Moreover, people continue to come up to me at the bank, bagel store, beach and elsewhere to single out that piece with praise – unheard of for a column that ran nearly a month ago.

I believe this special space in The Star each Saturday morning belongs to the community and I am merely its steward. Therefore, I would like to share a sampling of comments I received from you.

*

From Paula: “I have come to the conclusion that only when everyone who loves their guns becomes tragically affected by this epidemic, only then will they be willing to step up to the plate for change. So sad and scary for this great country of ours.”

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From James: “Clearly, times were different about our stance for our right to bear arms when we had no idea what the future would hold in weaponry. To be clear, I am a proponent of our right to bear arms, yet I’m also a major proponent of gun control. The common man has no need for semi-automatic or even automatic rifles, much less ones that can load a 15 round magazine, even in the case of hunting game.”

*

From Sherrilynn: “No other country (developed or undeveloped) has the civilian gun violence the U.S. has. You neglected to mention a few of the great organizations – such as Everytown For Gun Safety, Americans For Responsible Solutions, and The Brady Campaign – that are trying to rid this scourge from our nation. (Guns on college campus really?)

“I am involved with two of these organizations and am constantly signing petitions/letters for legislation on gun control. How many of these organizations need to be started after a killing to make the U.S./state legislatures enact/enforce gun control laws?”

*

From Joan: “I woke up this morning and after having some coffee, sat down to check out the on-line headlines. Of course, it’s another shooting. This time a police officer in Houston. And all that I could think was, ‘Can this just STOP?!’

“I have read that more police officers are killed by states that have the most gun ownership. I think all states have too much gun ownership and that ALL LIVES MATTER!

“I wish I had the perfect solution that would serve everyone, but I don’t think it exists. All I do know is that whatever we are doing now is not working. As you stated, it’s just constant.

“I want you to know that I admire you for taking a stand, in print. And that I couldn’t agree with you more.”

*

From Gerry and Jean: “We, too, will vote for anyone seriously putting gun control as their number one priority.”

*

From Peggy: “Once again you have written a very timely piece on the problem of people getting guns and then using that gun to kill or injure innocent people.

“It is so hard to understand why this wonderful nation cannot succeed in passing a significant law to stop the bloodshed! What is wrong with all those elected officials in Washington! Sometimes I believe they are just STUPID! Sorry to use that word, but what else would you call them?!”

*

And from David: “Congratulations, Mr. Woodburn, for your courage to stand up for reasonable gun laws despite the inevitability of angering the gun-lovers and NRA supporters.

“As a nation, we embrace firearms, and then we lament the routine numerous deaths of innocents each day. We can’t have it both ways. Other countries are bewildered by our daily massacres.”

* * *

Woody Woodburn writes a weekly column for The Ventura County Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com.

Wooden-&-Me-cover-mock-upCheck out my new memoir WOODEN & ME: Life Lessons from My Two-Decade Friendship with the Legendary Coach and Humanitarian to Help “Make Each Day Your Masterpiece”

 

Column: Two Beach Stories

by Woody

 Woody’s acclaimed memoir

WOODEN & ME is available HERE at Amazon

*   *   *

A Day at the Beach, Two Experiences

A day at the beach isn’t always a proverbial day at the beach.

Tuesday morning past, a friend of mine was doing just about his favorite thing in the world – surfing. He parked his truck up top at Emma Wood State Beach and went to commune with waves, nature and god.

1beachHis glorious day took a 180-degree pivot when he returned to find his wallet and cell phone stolen.

Sometimes, however, a day that’s gone bad can turn out extraordinarily good.

This same Tuesday, Steve Cook and his wife, Carol, were similarly enjoying our coastal paradise. After buying new sandals at Ventura Surf Shop, they pedaled their bikes back to the beach. Before crossing over from the street to the Promenade, Steve looked back and saw a truck approaching and wisely waited.

Unfortunately, Steve also veered slightly and recounts: “I overcorrected and jammed my front wheel and went down hard.”

Fortunately, his left shoulder absorbed the initial impact rather than his right shoulder that has an artificial joint. He proceeded to bounce and tumble, his back, surgically repaired shoulder, and head also receiving introductions to the pavement.

The driver of the truck stopped and ran over to see if Steve, now sprawled on the road, was okay. Normally, this would be the ending highlight of the story.

But something even better, and more unexpected, happened next.

Two “boys” – actually young men in their very early 20s – who witnessed the crash also raced over to Steve’s aid. Together, the three Good Samaritans – Steven Fragiacamo, who was driving the truck; and friends Christopher Alvarez and Graham McAlpine – helped Steve to his feet and moved the bicycle out of the road.

“Graham and Christopher were all over me, making sure I was okay with no serious injuries,” Steve retells. “I was bleeding like a stuck pig on my shin and Steven gave me lint free cloth he had in his truck, to stem the bleeding. Graham was making sure that I had no serious head injury.”

Graham, a Ventura native and now a junior at UC-Santa Barbara, is a good person to have by your injured side as he is a veteran beach lifeguard.

In addition to being battered and bruised, Steve lost his prescription blended-lens sunglasses in the fall.

“We were all looking for them and Carol wondered if they had gone down the adjacent storm drain,” Steve explains.

The opening was too small to get a good look, so Steven had the idea to remove the manhole cover. And that’s what the young trio did. Bingo! The glasses were plopped in a puddle of muck down at the bottom.

In sight, but out of reach. So Graham jumped into action, literally. He hopped down into the hole, nimbly landing on the one dry spot, and retrieved the expensive sunglasses.

“The most impressive part of the story to me – besides the boys obvious concern for my welfare – was the rescue of my glasses from the storm drain,” Steve emphasizes. “Teamwork by all three guys and no trepidation about going down into the sewer.”

Actually, perhaps the most impressive thing is that if you know any of these young men – or their parents – you are not in the least bit surprised by how they responded.

“So these young men stopped to help an old man in a time of trouble with kindness and extra effort,” says Steve, who served in the Peace Corps in Jamaica four decades ago before embarking on a career as a PE teacher. Today he is a full-time artist whose wonderful paintings of the beach, ocean and nature grace walls across the U.S. as well as in Europe and Asia.

“We were both so impressed and blown away with all three boys,” Steve further praises.

But here is the most important thing Steve has to say about his happy mishap, the take-away we should all take to heart: “Don’t ever let anybody tell you that today’s young people are not the hope and future of us all. These three young men were the best and a credit to their parents.”

* * *

Woody Woodburn writes a weekly column for The Ventura County Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com.

Wooden-&-Me-cover-mock-upCheck out my new memoir WOODEN & ME: Life Lessons from My Two-Decade Friendship with the Legendary Coach and Humanitarian to Help “Make Each Day Your Masterpiece”