FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM: @woodywoodburn
*
Today’s Column Is
Brought To You By…
(Today’s Woody Woodburn Column is brought to you, in part, by the United States Postal Service: “Email, texts, Twitter, Snapchat, Zoom and Facebook are newfangled fads. We’ve been around since 1792 and promise to be here serving you old-school style at least until April 2021!”)
Drastic times call for draconian measures. Newspapers are reinventing themselves in search of new revenue streams, so much so that when I asked my editor for a raise his reply was, “Wood-Bum, I’m of half-a-mind to start charging you to print your drivel each Saturday morning!” That estimate of his brainpower seems about right and also gave me a brainstorm idea.
(The following paragraph is sponsored by Tesla: “Our 2021 fleet of electric vehicles offers the forward-thinking you’ve grown to expect from Tesla – and from Woody’s column.”)
Do you want to become an official sponsor in a future column? Like the sneaker ad says, “Just do it!” Call 1-900-WOODY-AD. Consider this: a 30-second commercial during the 2021 Super Bowl cost a whopping $5.5 million, but for a tiny fraction of that you can be the title sponsor of an entire 600-word essay in this space that takes nearly three minutes to read. What a bargain!
Sure, sure, I know these pop-up ads break the flow of this column, what trickling flow there was to begin with – (This sentence is brought to you by MaxFlo: “We help you go fast, not slow!”) – but sacrifices must be made. I mean, have you watched TV news lately? The sports reports are all “brought to you by” memory enhancement supplements and other products I can’t remember. Furthermore, the P.O.D. (Play Of the Day) highlight has its own P.O.D. (Payer Of the Day) sponsor.
(Today’s P.O.D. – Paragraph Of the Day – is presented by Staples, the official office supplier of Woody’s pens, printer paper and cartridge toner.)
College football bowl games, sports stadiums and arenas all shill their naming rights to corporate America. Meanwhile, pro tennis players and golfers wear so many advertising patches they look like walking billboards. And have you seen a NASCAR racecar? The only place without a sponsor’s decal is a spot on the windshield for the driver to peep out through.
(This segment of today’s column is proudly presented to you by Eyebobs: “Our reading glasses bring Woody’s words into clear focus.”)
A few boxers have even gone so far as to temporarily tattoo ads on their backs. Yes, in the world of sports endorsements, everything is for sale. Well, what’s good for the sports goose is good for the former sports columnist.
Meanwhile, Hollywood is even worse – or better! – with movie plots and TV shows now designed around product placements. Since it all begins on the printed page, why shouldn’t writers (me!) get in on the lucrative action?
(The following Venti paragraph is brought to your coffee table by Starbucks.)
I am also looking to land a computer endorsement deal. If athletes can earn millions to wear a certain brand sports shoe, why shouldn’t writers (me again!) at least get a 20-percent discount on a laptop? Heck, maybe Apple will pay me to use a Microsoft Surface or Dell XPS instead of my current MacBook Pro!
(The closing thought of this week’s column is brought to you by Yolanda’s Mexican Cafe: “Even an NFL offensive lineman can’t finish our Grande Tostada!”)
Is my idea half-baked literary lunacy? Or marketing genius? Well, Mark Twain once observed: “Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising.” I’m banking on it.
* * *
Woody Woodburn writes a weekly column for The Ventura County Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram at @woodywoodburn. His SIGNED books are available at www.WoodyWoodburn.com.
Personalized Signed copies of WOODEN & ME: Life Lessons from My Two-Decade Friendship with the Legendary Coach and Humanitarian to Help “Make Each Day Your Masterpiece” and “Strawberries in Wintertime: Essays on Life, Love, and Laughter” are available at WoodyWoodburn.com