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“Just the Alternative Facts, Ma’am”
Have you ever felt like kicking yourself when, after the moment has passed, you later come up with a reply or answer you wish you had said?
This happened to me recently when I was interviewed on a book talk show. At the time I felt good about what I offered about my life and my writing, but now I wish I had dished out some more interesting “alternative facts.” Here, belatedly, are some things I wish I had shared . . .
One of my all-time favorite cartoons ran in The New Yorker and shows two couples sitting in a living room and one of the husbands says, “That story reminds me of the time I walked on the moon.” I guess I love this cartoon because it reminds me of my own lunar stroll.
I once defeated Mike and Bob Bryan in doubles. It took me three sets, but that’s only because I played them one-against-two.
Warren Buffet, now and then, asks me for stock tips.
Sometimes doctors, who have been asked by a patient for a second opinion, come to me for my first-rate opinion.
I am so modest to a fault that I keep my Pulitzer Prize tucked out of sight in a drawer. I’m not even sure which drawer, that’s how little I care about awards.
Now that I think about it, I think my Pulitzer might be in my sock drawer – alongside my Olympic silver medal for the marathon. I hate to make excuses, but I would have won the gold if the media’s lead motorcycle hadn’t led me off course causing me to run an extra mile.
I have a sandwich named after me – The DagWoody – but it’s only available on a “secret menu” at a restaurant that remains top secret.
Each morning I wake up and am frustrated to see that my most recent book, “Strawberries in Wintertime,” isn’t on the New York Times Best Sellers List. This isn’t right because I know I’ve signed one million, maybe a million and a half, copies for people.
A lot of people, really smart people who read lots of books, have told me my memoir “Wooden & Me” is better than “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.”
Murray, my 10-year-old boxer, won Best in Show at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show and was also a world Frisbee champion when he was younger.
Basketball’s 3-point line: my idea.
The second time I reached the summit of Mount Everest was not as thrilling as the first time. Both times, of course, I did so without aid of supplemental oxygen.
My wife was not only a senior homecoming princess at Granada High School, she was later Miss America.
Wrestling an alligator may be dangerous, but it isn’t all that challenging in my experience.
In an open-water swim around the Ventura Pier and back to the beach, I beat Michael Phelps by 10 meters.
I celebrated New Year’s Day by performing a Chumash-inspired rain dance. I’m just saying.
If I’m being totally honest, sometimes I egotistically wish Beyonce and Taylor Swift would give me credit for helping them write song lyrics – but mostly I’m just happy to have played an unsung role in helping their careers.
Jack Dorsey, my fellow co-founder of Twitter, won a coin toss and that’s why a Tweet can have 140 characters instead of the 150 maximum that I suggested.
Few will argue that Tom Brady throws a tighter and more-accurate spiral – even with a fully inflated football – ever since I showed him my method for gripping the laces.
I was more than happy to offer Denzel and Viola some acting tips for their roles in “Fences.”
All modesty aside, I think the musical “Hamilton” is as great as it is partly because I helped Lin-Manuel Miranda polish the lyrics.
I can spell the last name of Duke basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski.
And those are, as “Dragnet’s” TV character Sgt. Joe Friday would say, “Just the facts, ma’am – the alternative facts.”
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Woody Woodburn writes a weekly column for The Ventura County Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com.
Check out my new memoir WOODEN & ME: Life Lessons from My Two-Decade Friendship with the Legendary Coach and Humanitarian to Help “Make Each Day Your Masterpiece”
- Personalized signed copies are available at WoodyWoodburn.com
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