The other day, after a minor mishap slicing a bagel, you might I think I cursed all the way to the bathroom medicine cabinet to get a Band-Aid.
Nope. I simply took two steps and opened the kitchen’s junk drawer.
Perhaps you call yours the “everything drawer” or “stuff drawer,” but by any name every household has one. It’s usually the drawer nearest the phone and for good reason.
Indeed, it is a little known fact that moments after Alexander Graham Bell completed his historic first telephone call – “Mr. Watson, come here, I want to see you” – on March 10, 1876, he invented the junk drawer knowing he now needed a handy place to keep dozens of pencils (most with broken lead tips) and pens (good luck finding one that is not dried up) and paper (countless pads from realtors and plumbers) for taking down phone messages.
This junk drawer is even more packed than mine!
Likely, Mr. Bell also foresaw the black-hole-of-a-drawer storing a world tour of menus (Italian, Chinese, Thai, Mexican, Irish Pub…) for ordering takeout. Menus and pens, however, are only the tip of the iceberg.
A good junk drawer – even Martha Stewart’s or Felix Unger’s, I am certain – looks like a small town after a tornado strike. It is the Swiss Army Knife of drawers and in all likelihood has such a knife buried beneath the haphazard takeout menus. Suffice to say, with the contents of a junk drawer McGyver could escape any calamity.
Imagine a rabbit being pulled out of a magician’s hat and you get an idea of a junk drawer. Indeed, I actually found a rabbit’s foot in mine, dyed blue, probably a prize one of my kids won at the Ventura County Fair eons ago.
Actually, a good junk drawer is more like Mary Poppins’ magic carpetbag from which she miraculously unpacks a mirror, apron, packet of hairpins, throat lozenges, bottle of scent, larger bottle of medicine, heeled shoes, seven flannel nightgowns, measuring tape (for “taking measure” of one’s character), small folding armchair, large potted plant, tall floor lamp and taller hat stand.
For fun, lets look inside my own magic carpetbag. Take a deep breath, for commas are about the only thing I did not find although there were two children’s brightly colored (red and yellow) alphabet letters (Q and S) refrigerator magnets. The rest of the inventory includes…
…rubber bands paper clips three spools of thread blue white green sewing needles loose buttons loose postage stamps loose Band-Aids loose batteries (AA 9-volt AAA D – it’s a lottery if they still have juice or are dead) a handful of postcards received two scissors one shoelace nail clippers deck of playing cards one red checker loose birthday candles loose balloons Scotch tape packing tape near-empty roll of duct tape Elmer’s glue sunglasses old reading glasses ear buds iPod shuffle (thought to be lost) calculator (dead) James Taylor CD extra charger cord for cellphone…
…myriad single-serve packets of ketchup Sweet’N Low taco sauce soy sauce one set of takeout plastic cutlery jackknife for opening mail and packages enough pens to stock a shelf at Staples staples stapler pencils pencil sharpener with the plastic bulb fallen off and wood-and-lead shavings everywhere a few loose crayons countless expired coupons one Phillips head screwdriver two slotted head screwdrivers hammer pliers 12-inch ruler four keys to who knows what tape measure combination lock with unknown combo small flashlight and enough loose change to have a large pizza delivered.
I’ll wager all of those coins, with bank coin wrappers to roll them in, that your own junk drawer is a similarly supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
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Essay copyrights Woody Woodburn
Woody writes a weekly column for The Ventura County Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram at @woodywoodburn. His SIGNED books are available at www.WoodyWoodburn.com.
Personalized Signed copies of WOODEN & ME: Life Lessons from My Two-Decade Friendship with the Legendary Coach and Humanitarian to Help “Make Each Day Your Masterpiece” and “Strawberries in Wintertime: Essays on Life, Love, and Laughter” are available at WoodyWoodburn.com