DIY Easier Spelled Than Done

by Woody

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DIY is Easier Spelled Than Done

In the middle of the night the toilet wouldn’t stop running. In the midst of a drought, this was doubly troubling.

Jiggling the handle in an effort to make the flap in the tank seal tightly failed, so I removed the back porcelain lid…

… and was awakened from my 3 a.m. grogginess by a squirt gun-like stream of cold water in my face.

1toilet

Simulation of the problem…

The main thingamabob – closer inspection in the light of day would reveal it to technically be called an “anti-siphon fill valve” – was busted. I turned off the water supply valve and went back to sleep.

Before proceeding, I should mention that my DNA lacks DIY. This is apparently a common affliction for those with QWERTY genes. For example, the late, great Jack Smith, a general interest columnist I grew up reading, used to boast in print that his handyman talents around the house began and ended with replacing burned-out light bulbs.

I am more handy than that, albeit barely. If my wife argues with this contention it is because she has forgotten the time I put in a new garbage disposal.

Actually, if Mrs. Woody badmouths my handyman skills it might be because she does remember the garbage disposal that took me an entire weekend to install and, factoring in the cost of getting stitches to my hand, was far more expensive than hiring a plumber.

So, understandably, days passed before I finally attempted to tackle the broken toilet. I was mustering the courage. And making sure my healthcare premiums had been paid.

Inside the L.A. Coliseum-sized big-box improvement center, I eventually wandered upon the correct aisle only to be overwhelmed by all the choices. I felt like a new jogger walking into a running specialty store for the first time.

The next day, I returned to The Coliseum Depot armed with a picture of the broken siphon on my phone. I selected a “Made In USA” brand that looked similar, thus doing my part in making sure another American manufacturing job doesn’t go down the toilet.

Successfully opening the Rubik’s Cube-difficult plastic packaging without slicing a finger open made me considered the entire project a roaring success already. Knowing that the task ahead was still fraught with peril and challenge, however, I did something completely out of character: I read the enclosed directions, all 297 steps. (Confession: there were only eight steps – but each had three parts.)

Here is a recap of my one-hour task that would have taken a plumber about four minutes, tops:

— I ripped a patch of skin off my thumb unscrewing a stubborn mounting nut that I couldn’t reach with a wrench – happily my injury required only a Band-Aid, not sutures;

— a brief waterfall flooded the bathroom floor because I overlooked Step 1. c) “Flush to drain water from tank”;

— now soaking wet, and flummoxed by the three parts of Step 7 that involved marking the water level in the bowl with a pencil, I simply guessed at the ideal setting for the refill adjuster dial;

— I set a personal record with only three new parts unexplainably left over upon completion;

— the yoga-like contortions required in the tight quarters resulted in a tweaked back, meaning a visit to the chiropractor will negate my DIY savings from not hiring a plumber.

Still, all in all, the repair was well worth doing myself because hiring a plumber for a fix-it this easy would have been about as embarrassing as bringing in an electrician to change a light bulb. Even Jack Smith wouldn’t have done that.

Just don’t tell Mrs. Woody it wasn’t Juno rocket science. She bragged to her mom about my newfound DIY prowess and is now calling me “Bob Vila.”

She’s just pulling my chain, of course. I recently happened upon a fascinating TV show called “Barnwood Builders” and my smart-aleck much-better-half said to me, “Isn’t it a bit ironic for you to be watching the DIY Network?”

Ouch. My next middle-of-the-night project may be to leave the toilet seat up.

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Woody Woodburn writes a weekly column for The Ventura County Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com.

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