By Popular Request, Irish Leftovers
A number of readers kindly said they enjoyed my recent four-column series on my Ireland travels and asked if I might have more stories to share.
In response, here are some Irish sayings I saw in various pubs and on headstones, all bookended between two tales told to me by cabbies.
*
An Irishman pops into a Dublin pub one evening and orders three pints of Guinness. When the bartender brings them the Irishman carefully lines them up and proceeds to take a sip from each glass, one after another, over and over, until all three are empty.
He orders three more pints, prompting the bartender to ask: “Suit ye’self, but mightn’t you rather I bring ’em one at a time so they’re cold and fresh?”
“No, no,” the Irishman replies. “I’m preferrin’ ye bring ’em three at a time. Ye see, me and me two brothers used to meet up and have a good time drinking together. But now one’s in Canada and the other’s in America so we drink in each other’s honor this way once a week.”
“That’s a brilliant tradition,” says the bartender, bringing three more pints on the house.
Months pass and the Irishman becomes well known in the pub for his honorary quirk. One day, however, he orders only two pints.
A somber hush falls over the pub. Setting two beers before the man, the bartender offers his sincere condolences.
For a moment the Irishman is confused but then realizes the mistake and laughs: “No, no, one of me brothers ain’t dead. It’s just that my missus has made ME give up drinking.”
*
“May the saddest day of your future be no worse than the happiest day of your past.”
*
“No man ever wore a scarf as warm as his daughter’s arm around his neck.”
*
“May the road rise to meet you.
“May the wind be always at your back.
“May the sun shine warm upon your face.
“And rains fall soft upon your fields.
“And until we meet again,
“May God hold you in the hollow of His hand.”
*
“Always remember to forget, the troubles that passed away.
“But never forget to remember, the blessings that come each day.”
*
“May you have warm words on a cold evening, a full moon on a dark night, and a smooth road all the way to your door.”
*
“There are good ships, and there are wood ships, the ships that sail the sea.
“But the best ships, are friendships, and may they always be.”
*
“May misfortune follow you the rest of your life, and never catch up.”
*
An Irish farmer walks three miles into town on a Friday night after a long week in the fields and orders a pint of Guinness. The pub is unusually quiet so he decides to liven things up, announcing to all: “I bet 100 pounds that no one here can drink 15 pints in 15 minutes.”
A man in the far corner seems angered by the broken silence and abruptly leaves. No one steps forward to accept the challenge.
About 20 minutes later the insulted man returns, strides up to the bar and slaps down a 100-pound bill: “I’m in!”
“Fifteen Guinness and line ’em up!” orders the farmer, excitedly. When the glasses are ready he takes out his pocket watch and the contest begins.
The farmer calls out each passing minute and like clockwork the challenger downs a pint every 60 seconds. After 10 minutes he has finished 10 pints, but his pace is slowing.
With the call of “Fourteen minutes!” there remain two full pints.
Just as the bet seems lost, however, the challenger theatrically raises a glass in each hand and triumphantly chugs them one after the other with 15 seconds to spare.
“Congratulations!” says the farmer, handing over 100 pounds. “But I do have one question – where did you storm off to before you came back.”
Came the answer: “One hundred pounds is a lot of money, ye know, so I went to the pub across the street to make sure I could do it.”
* * *
Woody Woodburn writes a weekly column for The Ventura County Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com.
Check out my new memoir WOODEN & ME: Life Lessons from My Two-Decade Friendship with the Legendary Coach and Humanitarian to Help “Make Each Day Your Masterpiece”
- Personalized signed copies are available at WoodyWoodburn.com
- Unsigned paperbacks or Kindle ebook can be purchased here at Amazon