Column: Going Cell Phoneless

by Woody

Going Phoneless Takes ‘Bold’ Effort

Barbara Walters once famously asked Katharine Hepburn in a TV interview, “What kind of a tree are you?”

For the record, the legendary actress replied “oak.”

1-boldWere I similarly asked what animal my BlackBerry Bold cell phone was, the answer would be “cat” because it has had nine lives.

Alas, it grew so antiquated over the past seven years it became a dumbphone compared to state-of-the-art 3G, 4G and now 5G smartphones. With each new iPhone and Galaxy unveiling, I began to secretly hope my BlackBerry would finally croak so I could replace it without remorse.

But a funny thing happened – every time it appeared to die or was lost or stolen, I was crestfallen. I had fallen in love with the Bold’s miniaturized real QWERTY keyboard that made texting and emailing gunslinger quick.

I say my BlackBerry had nine lives, but that might be an understatement. When I forgetfully left it behind in restaurants it always wound up back in my hands like a well-thrown boomerang. Thrice stolen it was returned each time by good Samaritans who found it in trashcans while scavenging for aluminum cans. Another time it was left on a car roof and didn’t break – or get run over – when it fell off as I backed out. Two battery replacements provided successful CPR.

In the end, my BlackBerry’s Achille’s heel proved to be its keyboard that allowed a small splash of water to get through the cracks and fizzled its electronic circuitry.

My own inner circuitry fizzled a bit when I learned my family’s family plan was not eligible for a free upgrade/replacement for a full month. Waiting would save me $200 so I went on a 30-Day Cell Phone-Free Diet.

What promised to be a welcomed experiment in being unplugged started off disastrously. The first full day I was cell phoneless, I got a flat tire on the freeway driving home from the airport. What are the odds, Mr. Murphy?

Fortunately I was near enough an exit to get off the 101 and limped into a gas station. Which, of course, had no public payphone. Two separate customers I approached asking if I could borrow their phones reacted with wary disbelief that anyone in the 21st century didn’t have their own cell phone.

The clerk inside helpfully phoned AAA for me and a tow truck driver quickly arrived and even more quickly put on the spare tire as though his weekend job is with a NASCAR pit crew.

For the next 29 days I wondered how we used to get along without cell phones. Not just for big things like car trouble, but small things like calling your spouse because you forgot what you were supposed to pick up at grocery store or having your kids text you when they need a ride home from sports practice.

But I also saw the evils of being too tightly leashed to one’s cell phone. And never more dramatically than at the park one weekend afternoon when a father was throwing a football with his young son. The Norman Rockwell scene was splashed with graffiti, however, because after each catch the 10-year-old boy had to race to his dad and hand him the football instead of throwing it back. You see, the dad was holding a cell phone to his ear the whole time and couldn’t catch a return throw.

Also, sadly, in restaurants I witnessed couples on dates and family outings where everyone’s head is bowed with their attention focused on their cell phone screens instead of on enjoying each other’s company.

And on and on.

After the month passed I got a newfangled latest and greatest and fastest oversized smartphone which, to be honest, blows my old BlackBerry out of the water.

We’ll see how many extra lives it proves to have, but I’m determined not to let it steal too much of my attention away from my own life. Instead of looking down during a walk through the park, I want to look up and see the trees.

*   *   *

Woody Woodburn writes a weekly column for The Ventura County Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com.

Wooden&Me_cover_PRCheck out my new memoir WOODEN & ME: Life Lessons from My Two-Decade Friendship with the Legendary Coach and Humanitarian to Help “Make Each Day Your Masterpiece”