A Crystal (Ball) Clear Look at 2014

 

            With apologies to the Ventura County Star’s resident sports seer, Loren “The Lock” Ledin, the only psychics I have ever known who could predict the future with eerie accuracy were Jim “Swami” Parker and Derry “Swami II” aka “The Deuce” Eads.

 

Unfortunately, Swami and Deuce have retired their Mattel Magic 8 Crystal Balls, leaving the prediction science open to mystic charlatans and wannabes such as the Denver Psychic Development group that predicts 2014 will see Earthquakes in the Midwest that cause the Mississippi River to change course; an earthquake registering almost 8 on the Richter Scale hitting Northern California between May 12 and May 16; and NASA revealing that its data shows there is currently life on Mars.

 

Meanwhile, psychic Sydney Friedman’s predictions include: Edward Snowden will return to the United States and will NOT face trial; snow falls in Southern Florida; and strange, eerie rumbling sounds are heard in the Midwest –

 

perhaps around 8 p.m. Thanksgiving?

 

And from Nikki, Psychic to the Stars, comes this dark handful: The pyramids in Egypt will sink; a worldwide power blackout; the Empire State Building will tip, and a shark will kill somebody at Coney Island.

 

Well, I have a few predictions of my own, as well as some wishes, for the coming year.

 

Prediction: Nikki will be wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.

 

Wish: That Nikki is about as accurate as my NCAA Basketball Tournament pool picks.

 

Prediction: The telemarketing industry finally realizes it makes zero sales at the dinner hour and stops calling everyone then.

 

Wish: The Do Not Call Registry worked.

 

Prediction: A CHP officer pulls over Justin Bieber on suspicion the pop star’s car is stolen because it is not being driven recklessly.

 

Wish: Instead of hounding the rich and famous, the paparazzi would flat-out ignore them until they suffered Spotlight Withdrawal Syndrome and begged for the chance to pose for magazine and tabloid photos.

 

Prediction: NBC restructures Monday Night Football analyst Cris Collinsworth’s multi-million-dollar contract with a disincentive clause deducting $1,000 per word he says on air.

 

Wish: The “Silence is Golden” clause becomes the industry norm – except for Vin Scully’s contract which shall award a bonus per word spoken.

 

Prediction: The First Family of Tennis – Wayne, Kathy, Mike and Bob Bryan – will be inducted into the Ventura County Sports Hall of Fame.

 

Wish: Same as above.

 

Prediction: UCLA hires Fox News personality Megyn Kelly as a professor in Afro-American Studies.

 

Wish: Fox & Friends hires a UCLA Afro-American Studies professor.

 

Prediction: The Cleveland Browns get truly serious about raising breast cancer awareness by changing their team name to the Pinks and wearing uniforms to match all season, not just in October.

 

Wish: The American Cancer Society’s Relays For Life had no reason to exist.

 

Prediction: The U.S. Supreme Court will rule in Humpty Dumpty v. Alice which centers on this argument: “When I use a word,” Humpty Dumpty said, in rather a scornful tone, “it means just what I choose it to mean – neither more nor less.” . . . “The question is,” said Alice, “whether you can make words mean so many different things.” In a rare 9-0 decision, the High Court rules it can make the Constitution mean so many different things.

 

Wish: That 5-4 decisions were not so common.

 

Prediction: An American 10-year-old boy wins the gold medal in the luge while sledding on a store-bought Flexible Flyer at the Sochi Winter Olympic Games.

 

Wish: Every athlete who makes it to the medals podium in Sochi bows his or her head while raising a fist of protest – a la Tommie Smith and John Carlos in the 1968 Summer Olympics – inside a rainbow-colored mitten.

 

Prediction: Tina Fey wins an Emmy, Oscar, Tony, and Golden Globe in 2014 while hosting each awards show.

 

Wish: Tina Fey finally breaks through Hollywood’s glass ceiling.

 

Prediction: A great white shark, launched airborne by a giant tsunami caused by an 8.0 earthquake, will land on the Ventura Pier and eat a tourist’s fish taco.

 

Wish: A fish taco right now.

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Woody Woodburn writes a weekly column for the Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com. His new memoir WOODEN & ME is available at www.WoodyWoodburn.com and Amazon.com.