Bah-humbug thoughts

by Woody

STRAW_CoverWoody’s new book STRAWBERRIES IN WINTERTIME: Essays on Life, Love, and Laughter is available for Pre-Order HERE NOW! In time for the holidays!

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Bah-Humbug Hangover From Black Friday

If you were expecting 700 words of holiday nice and pumpkin spice here this morning, you are going to be as disappointed as a kid who doesn’t find a Hoverboard under the tree this Christmas morning.

I have a Black Friday hangover. If you want good cheer, phone your grandma. I’m in a “Bah-humbug” mood.1bahumbug

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For starters, it annoys me when an all-inclusive “Happy Holidays” is misconstrued as being a “War on Christmas.”

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Call me Scrooge, but I say “Bah, humbug!” to Black Friday and Cyber Monday and to radio stations that started playing nothing but Christmas music before Thanksgiving arrived.

Ditto for stores and homes that put up holiday lights and reindeer decorations before the Halloween pumpkins were tossed out.

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It annoys me that so many drivers fail to even yield at a STOP sign but stop at YIELD signs when the roadway is clear.

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The simply red “War on Christmas” holiday cups at Starbucks don’t bother me, but I was annoyed the other day when the barista wrote my name as “Woddy.”

Actually, it made me laugh.

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“Small Business Saturday” annoys me – not because I am anti-local businesses, but because I think we should all make an effort to shop locally every Saturday.

For example, one study claims that for every $100 spent at a local businesses, $68 remains in the community versus just $43 for chain stores.

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I’m steamed at Facebook co-founder Mark Zuckerberg for announcing that he, and his wife Priscilla Chan, will give away most of their fortune – 99 percent of their company shares with a current estimated value of $45 billion – in an effort to make the world a “better place” for their newborn daughter, Maxima, and others.

Why am I ticked? Because hitting the “Like” button for this Facebook post seems wholly inadequate, as does a modest donation to The Star’s annual Julius Gius Bellringer drive.

However, small local donations – to any cause – matter, so we all need to follow Zuckerberg’s example and give what we can.

As me hero John Wooden used to say, “Small things add up to big things.”

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I don’t much care whether Los Angeles gets an NFL team because I am a lifelong Cleveland Browns fan (pronounced “sufferer”).

Well, the Brownies – 12 seasons without a playoff appearance, 21 years without a playoff win, 51 years without a championship – ticked me off yet again last Monday night.

As they lined up for a last-second game-winning field-goal attempt against their archrival Ravens, I told my wife: “Because they’re the Browns, you just know the kick will get blocked and returned for a touchdown.”

My old Star sports page colleagues Jim “Swami” Parker and Derry “Deuce” Eads were never more clairvoyant: the blocked kick was returned 64 yards into the end zone as time expired. Even for the “Factory of Sadness” Browns, it was an impressive way to lose.

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Speaking of losing, Kobe Bryant ticks me off for not retiring two years ago instead of turning the Lakers into a West Coast “Factory of Sadness.”

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Telemarketers who ignore the No Call List get me more steamed than a freshly made Starbucks Holiday Pumpkin Spice Latte in any color cup.

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I’m also steamed at Adele, the pop megastar whose comeback album broke the all-time record for first-week sales with 3.38 million.

You see, I pre-ordered “25” as a gift for my daughter only to now learn that for the same price there is a Target Deluxe Edition available with three bonus tracks.

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It annoys me when the salsa is gone before the tortilla chips are.

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Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t like it when guys wear hats in a restaurant. Many of them remind me of a quip my writing hero, Jim Murray, once told me at the sight of a young man wearing a ball cap backwards in the press box dining area: “I bet he has his brain on backwards, too.”

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I will end my bah-humbugging here before providing too much evidence that my own brain is on backwards.

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Wooden&Me_cover_PRWoody Woodburn writes a weekly column for The Ventura County Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com.

Check out my new memoir WOODEN & ME: Life Lessons from My Two-Decade Friendship with the Legendary Coach and Humanitarian to Help “Make Each Day Your Masterpiece”