Odds Favor Listening Over Speaking

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Odds Favor Listening Over Speaking

I had a one-in-a-million lunch last week.

Twice.

As a columnist and author, from time to time I am asked to give talks to local clubs and service groups. I can’t speak for my audiences, but I always have an enjoyable time because I meet some wonderful people.

Case in point is the Conejo Valley Chapter of the Daughters of the American Revolution. I had the great fortune to be seated with five members who are as interesting as they are lovely, which is saying something. Each is a role model for remaining curious and engaged in learning for a lifetime.1livequote

By the time I went to the lectern after our hour of dining together, I just hoped to be one quarter as interesting and entertaining to the ballroom at large as my table’s Fab Five women had been.

While I heard briefly about their grandchildren, this was just a quick conversational appetizer. The main course included stories they had recently read in Smithsonian Magazine, Discover, National Geographic, Scientific American, various newspapers, and also some documentary viewings.

The conversation flew around the table like the Globetrotters passing the basketball as my hosts Brenda Nakagawa, Dawn Hollis, Nancy Kilbourn, Sandi Selditz and Sharon Martin discussed Neanderthals and Homo sapiens and their interbreeding and migration patterns; how cursive writing affects the brain and enhances learning in children; the recent discovery in a Mexico junkyard of the 1968 Mustang driven by Steve McQueen in the movie “Bullitt”; and, of course, the Revolutionary War.

Even more interesting than their reading material was their life material. I learned about a career in the classroom; competing in dance contests in the 1950s; travel destinations near and far; and the Mayflower’s voyage to America.

In addition to being a Daughter of the American Revolution, Sharon Martin is a daughter of the Mayflower. Specifically, she is a member of the Society of Mayflower Descendants. Even more specifically, she is a descendant of passenger John Howland.

Howland, as Sharon shared, fell overboard during the journey. By luck or by fate, or a dose of both, Howland managed to grab hold of a towline and was rescued from the frigid Atlantic waters.

Howland not only survived the voyage, he was one of 51 Pilgrims to survive the harsh first winter of illness and hunger in Plymouth, and ultimately had more descendants than any of his fellow passengers.

Those descendants include U.S. presidents Franklin D. Roosevelt and both George Bushes; literature’s Henry Wadsworth Longfellow and Ralph Waldo Emerson; and Sharon Martin.

All told, it is estimated Howland’s descendants number 1 million. In other words, having lunch seated next to Sharon was a one-in-a-million experience.

The very next afternoon, I had lunch with The Ventura Retired Men’s Group which meets at the Elks Lodge.

Imagine combining the Greatest Generation with a troop of first-grade Cub Scouts and you get an idea of this fun group that ranges in age from 63 to 93. After the Pledge of Allegiance and invocation, jokes flew.

Among the fascinating people I met was my host and tablemate, Steve Carroll. Steve has traveled to 53 countries, and has an interesting story from each, but one especially stood out.1peacebell

In China, in a town whose name Steve forgets, an unforgettable encounter took place. In a small park with a large “Peace Bell,” Steve saw an older man proudly wearing a vintage military uniform.

A veteran himself, Steve approached and – through the man’s daughter – introduced himself. Steve said he admired the man’s uniform and asked if he had served.

“Yes, in Vietnam,” came the interpreted reply.

Steve shared that he also was in Vietman and next asked, “What year?”

Came the answer: “1969.”

“Me, too,” Steve said. “Where?”

Again their answers were identical.

Forty years after two opposing soldiers had been at the very same spot, at the very same time, they shared one more thing: a warm embrace.

“I think it’s ironic it happened in a peace park with a peace bell,” Steve said, concluding his one-in-a-million story.

I also think it’s beautiful.

* * *

 

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Scouts Bring Out My Cookie Monster

STRAW_CoverWoody’s highly anticipated new book “STRAWBERRIES IN WINTERTIME: Essays on Life, Love, and Laughter” is NOW available! Order your signed copy HERE!

 * * *

Scouts Bring Out a Cookie Monster

Hello, my name is Woody and I am a Girl Scout Cookie-holic.

My recovery is not going well.

A year ago, I went cold turkey and was doing great for about 10 months. But, once again, as springtime has approached I have fallen off the wagon. And landed hard.

In the past few weeks I have eaten a couple months’ worth of Somas and Tagalongs, with an occasional box of Shortbread/Trefoils mixed in.1cookies

It doesn’t help that I run into Cookie dealers outside the grocery store. The Cookie dealers even come knocking on my front door. It’s not fair.

Making the matters more impossible, the Cookie dealers are always cuter than a puppy, with eyes as big as Thin Mints and smiles that shine – sometimes literally sparkling with braces, which makes them all the more irresistible.

Like a full moon turning a man into a werewolf, Girl Scouts selling their edibles transform me into the Cookie Monster.

My willpower is as overwhelmed as a sandcastle against high tide. I crumble and find myself making extra trips to the ATM. I add an extra mile, or three, to my daily run so my pants will still fit. This is March Madness.

I am actually faring a little better this year thanks to an assist from my adult daughter. Below, in Dallas’ own words, is her strategy that might help you too.

*

It’s Girl Scout Cookie Season!

Every time I run errands, or simply drive around town, I see them: tables set up with glittery posters and a rainbow of colorful cookie boxes, and girls in green uniforms, cheerfully and patiently selling their wares.

Girls in ponytails and braids.

Girls with braces and girls with gap-toothed smiles.

Girls who remind me of my friend, Céline; who fill my heart and break it at the same time.

Céline, who died far too young, was an extremely proud Girl Scout. And a loyal one: every year in college, she would take cookie orders from us to support her old troop.

Céline even kept boxes of Thin Mints in the freezer. I’ve always been partial to the Samoas.

These days my eating habits are a lot healthier than they were back in college. Which causes a problem: I want to support entrepreneurial Girl Scouts, but I simply don’t want a bunch of cookies in my pantry.2cookies

This is not to suggest I only eat kale and not an occasional cookie. I think it is good to enjoy both – just not together, in my opinion.

In any case, whether you plan to buy one or 100 boxes of Girl Scout Cookies, here is a guaranteed way to make a Girl Scout smile. This is something Céline learned from her experience as a Girl Scout and something she would do whenever she came across a green-vested girl selling cookies.

It is now something I do in my late friend’s honor – one of my favorite ways to remember her, in fact.

Step One: Ask the Girl Scout what her favorite cookie flavor is. She will, of course, think you are asking her for advice about which kind of cookie you should try.

Step Two: Buy a box of whatever her favorite type of cookie is.

Step Three: Hand the box back to her and explain it is a gift for her to enjoy. Here is what I say: “My friend was a Girl Scout and she told me how hard it was to be selling all these cookies without being able to eat any yourself. So these are a treat for you to have. Keep up the great work!”

Step Four: Enjoy all the warm fuzzies filling you up inside.

One Final Note: This is not only a way to make a Girl Scout smile – it is a guaranteed way to make yourself smile, too.

*

Me again. I have added my own Step Five: Buy a second box of Samoas and a third box of Tagalongs for myself. I’ll restart my recovery next month.

* * *

Woody Woodburn writes a weekly column for The Ventura County Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com.

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Act II: Southern Hospitality

STRAW_CoverWoody’s highly anticipated new book “STRAWBERRIES IN WINTERTIME: Essays on Life, Love, and Laughter” is NOW available! Order your signed copy HERE!

 * * *

Going Backstage at Tennessee’s House

During Act One, last week, our foursome made a pilgrimage to legendary playwright Tennessee Williams’ home in New Orleans.

Flicker the lobby lights. Intermission is over. Raise the curtain.

Act Two:

Brobson Lutz, wearing round wire-rimmed glasses and a button-down collar shirt and carrying an armload of papers and folders, came into focus like a university professor.

My daughter, son-in-law, son and I were standing in the middle of Dumaine Street, in the middle of the French Quarter, “star” gazing at The Tennessee Williams House. Despite being an official Literary Landmark, the two-story yellow home with a green ironwork balcony is unimpressive in its ordinariness.

Tennessee Williams' lovely swimming pool in the French Quarter.

Tennessee Williams’ splendorous pool in the French Quarter.

Then something extraordinary happened.

“Would you like to see the swimming pool in back?” Lutz asked.

Beignets from Café du Monde would not have been a more enticing offer.

Lutz, it turns out, was Williams’ next-door neighbor – and, for the last two years of William’s life, his landlord. In 1981, Lutz bought Williams’ house – which was divided into six apartments – with the stipulation the writer could keep Apartment B for $100 a month for the rest of his life.

“I think that’s what sealed the deal,” Lutz told us.

Apartment B, on the second floor in the front, is where Williams had lived – and written – off and on since originally buying the property in 1962.

“He came here three or four times a year,” Lutz recalled of the time he knew Williams. “He’d stay about a week, sometimes just one day, and then he’d be gone again. He spent most of his time in Key West.”

Williams died at age 71 on Feb. 25, 1983, in a Manhattan hotel suite after choking on the cap of a medicine bottle. It was not the final curtain call he wished for, writing in his 1975 autobiography, “Memoirs”: “I hope to die in my sleep . . . in this beautiful big brass bed in my New Orleans apartment.”

He wrote those words in Apartment B at 1014 Dumaine St.

Lutz was unable to show us the inside of The Tennessee Williams House because it has tenants, including in Apartment B. However, he took us around back to see Williams’ swimming pool.

While the front of the house is modest, the courtyard is splendorous. A red brick deck surrounds the kidney-shaped pool and abundant foliage surrounds it all.

“Many people thought Tennessee Williams put in the pool, but it had already been put in,” Brobson explained, further noting: “Legend has it he would swim here every day he was in New Orleans – even in winter.”

On this lovely winter day our host invited us to stay for wine, and more stories, on his patio next door. It was equal parts Southern hospitality and serendipity.

“Is a nice Chardonnay okay?” he asked. Tap water would have been fine; we were thirsty for more Tennessee tales. Lutz was tall to the task, his storytelling made all the more mesmerizing by a New Orleans accent thick as gumbo.

1TennHouse

The Tennessee Williams House, an official Literary Landmark in the French Quarter.

We learned our professorial-looking host is actually a physician, specializing in infectious disease. He also has an infectious charm.

As for Williams’ charm, Lutz answered: “Was he a friendly guy? He was more of a friendly drunk.”

About Williams’ death, Lutz recalled: “Twelve hours later an armed guard arrived here. A week later everything was moved out to the Florida Keys.”

At one point we were joined by Lutz’s dog, Kat, which reminded me of the title of Williams’ famous play, “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.” This, in turn, led me to ask Lutz if he liked Williams’ writing.

“I prefer his short stories to his plays,” he said.

An avid art collector, Lutz surprisingly has only one collectable Tennessee Williams book, a 1954 first-edition of “One Arm,” which was Williams’ first volume of short fiction.

More surprisingly, considering Lutz was Williams’ neighbor and landlord, it is unsigned by the author.

“Do you wish you’d thought to ask him to sign it?” one of us asked.

“Yep,” Dr. Brobson Lutz answered, his wry smile speaking volumes.

* * *

Woody Woodburn writes a weekly column for The Ventura County Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com.

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Act I: Literary Walk Turns Serendipitous

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 * * *

Literary Walk Takes Serendipitous Turn

“I have always depended on the kindness of strangers,” said the great playwright Tennessee Williams, who died 34 years ago today – Feb. 25, 1983 – one month and a day shy of turning 72.

The kindness of a stranger, with serendipity at play as well, made Williams leap off the printed page to life for me a short while ago. It was an encounter worth sharing.

Act One:

While in New Orleans on vacation, my wife, son, daughter, son-in-law, and I visited William Faulkner’s house in the French Quarter. In the upstairs study, in 1925, the future Nobel Laureate wrote his first novel, “Soldiers’ Pay.”

Inside William Faulker's house turned bookstore and museum.

Inside William Faulker’s house turned bookstore.

Tucked away in an alley off famous Jackson Square, the home is now called “Faulkner House Books” and is a combination of charming bookstore and museum – with the emphasis on the former. While browsing books and memorabilia, we learned that another important 20th literary figure had once lived nearby: Tennessee Williams.

People collect many things, from postage stamps and baseball cards to fine wines and first-edition books. The later interest me, and greatly, but rare books are also generally beyond my bank account, and greatly.

As remedy, I have begun collecting visits to the homes of famous writers. My compilation includes John Steinbeck, Edgar Allen Poe, Thornton Burgess, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Henry David Thoreau and my top-shelf hero, Jim Murray, to name a handful.

The opportunity to add two more icons to my archives in a single afternoon was not to be passed up.

A Google search for directions revealed there was no reason to desire a streetcar – or Uber ride – to get to Williams’ home from Faulkner’s house. Less than a mile away, we decided to walk.

“We” now consisted of my son, daughter, son-in-law and me, for my wife begged out to go shopping. It wasn’t long before she seemed to have made the wiser choice.

1TennHouse

Hoping for some literary osmosis from Tennessee Williams’ house in the French Quarter.

A right turn when we should have gone left turned us into lost wayfarers. Tempted to quit our quest, we decided “in for a dime, in for a dollar” and pressed on.

At long last we arrived at 1014 Dumaine Street. With green shutters and matching ornate ironwork railings on an iconic French Quarter-style balcony, the two-story yellow house is attractive.

It was also, to be honest, a little disappointing. The only thing marking it as special is a small bronze plaque out front proclaiming:

“Tennessee Williams owned this 19th-century townhouse from 1962 until his death in 1983. Here he worked on his autobiography, Memoirs, in which he wrote, ‘I hope to die in my sleep . . . in this beautiful big brass bed in my New Orleans apartment, the bed that is associated with so much love . . .’ He always considered New Orleans his spiritual home. This home is dedicated a Literary Landmark by Friends of Libraries U.S.A.”

Even the plaque is less than remarkable with its raised words weatherworn and hard to make out.

Unassuming as it all is, with no tours either, we reverently stood in the quiet street and studied the house as one might the Mona Lisa. Suddenly, a voice broke our reverie.

“Do you know what that is?” a man asked, his friendly tone made even more so by a Southern drawl. He was dressed business casual; tucked under one arm was a stack of papers, folders and an iPad; round-rimmed glasses and thinning gray hair added to his professorial look.

“Yes, it’s the Tennessee Williams’ house,” my son easily answered.

“Do you know who he is?” came a follow-up question that was little more difficult.

“Of course,” my daughter replied. “He was an author and playwright – a great one. He wrote, ‘A Streetcar Named Desire’ and ‘The Glass Menagerie.’ ”

The gentleman smiled, pleased.

“Not many people seem to know who he is anymore,” he said.

Tennessee Williams talked about “the kindness of strangers.” We were about to experience the kindness of one stranger. A stranger who, serendipitously for us, personally knew Tennessee Williams.

Intermission. Act Two next Saturday.

* * *

Woody Woodburn writes a weekly column for The Ventura County Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com.

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Permission Slip for Some Magic

STRAW_CoverWoody’s highly anticipated new book “STRAWBERRIES IN WINTERTIME: Essays on Life, Love, and Laughter” is NOW available! Order your signed copy HERE!

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Permission Slip for Some Magic

Few things awaken the nostalgia genes in my hippocampus as much as the sight of a classroom of elementary schoolchildren walking side-by-side, sometimes even hand-in-hand, in a double line during a field trip.

I imagine you might feel the same way with such a vision conjuring up your own dormant field-trip memories.

A quick peek into the kaleidoscope of my Ohio boyhood includes field trips to a working maple syrup sugarhouse (maple cookie samples!); a donut bakery (fresh samples!); a nature walk along (and in!) a shallow shale-bottomed stream; a fire department; a hospital; an art museum and, even better, the Museum of Natural History (dinosaurs!).

1fieldtripThose seven field trips, a short list off the top of my head, equaled about seven weeks of learning inside the classroom. Indeed, field trips are worth all the headaches of signed permission slips, forgotten packed lunches, and student head counts that briefly come up short.

Robert Fulghum, author of “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten”, believes field trips are not just for grade-school kids, noting: “Only now have I finally realized that my life has been an unending field trip. And I have tried hard not to be a tourist. But to be an adventurer, a traveler, an explorer, a learner, and a pilgrim.”

Amen. In grade school, field trips are generally limited to being within a long walk or a short drive away. As adults, we can be explorers and learners without limits.

One of my most memorable “field trips” as an adult was when my wife and I were engulfed by a swarm of fourth graders at a bald eagle and wildlife museum in Haines, Alaska.

The resident expert on our national bird explained their A-to-Z’s: salmon is their favorite dish; adults weigh nine to 12 pounds; their flying speed is about 30 mph, but they can dive up to 100 mph; and their eyesight is so keen they can spot a fish from a full mile away.

Interesting stuff all, but because the captive bald eagles in the grand aviary didn’t cooperate and remained perched and half-hidden, the school children seemed unimpressed. They wanted more. So did I.

To the rescue came a young woman with a rescued owl on her leather-covered forearm. Next, she introduced us to an orphaned baby Dall sheep she was nursing back to health.

Afterward, outside as the school children boarded their bus – the teacher’s head count had apparently added up correctly – a smaller shuttle bus pulled into the parking lot. Instead of more kids, out stepped adult tourists.

The shuttle driver, a woman in her mid-20s, came into focus like a kindergarten teacher herself when she got out a portable wooden step and caringly helped an elderly passenger get down off the bus.

Being a “learner” in life’s “unending field trip” entails asking questions – so this I did. And I learned that Sarah came to Alaska all the way from Maine to be a white-water raft guide, of all things, during summers and drives the tourist shuttle the rest of the year.

I also learned that my teacher-like impression of her was not far off target for she spends her lunch break each weekday driving to a local elementary school to eat with the kindergarteners.

“No matter how my day is going, having lunch with the kids makes it a happy day,” Sarah told me. Not a bad life lesson for any of us to take away from a field trip.

One final field trip to share: Mrs. Larson, my second-grade teacher, took our class to the Columbus Dispatch newspaper. We got to see – and hear – the gargantuan printing press in action and in the newsroom we saw – and heard – a Teletype machine loudly spit out breaking news.

As mementos, we were given metal plate engravings of photographs that had already been printed in the newspaper.

If you do not believe in the magic of field trips, consider this: the engraving I brought home was a head shot of a Dispatch columnist.

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Woody Woodburn writes a weekly column for The Ventura County Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com.

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This, That and The Other…

STRAW_CoverWoody’s highly anticipated new book “STRAWBERRIES IN WINTERTIME: Essays on Life, Love, and Laughter” is NOW available! Order your signed copy HERE!

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Holding the Mailbag Open

This, that and the other . . .

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The New England Patriots’ for-the-ages comeback from a 28-3 deficit to a 34-28 overtime victory over the Atlanta Falcons in Super Bowl 51 – that’s “LI” for all you Romans out there – brought to mind a famous heavyweight title fight from LXXVI years ago.

Billy Conn, the challenger against heavyweight champion Joe Louis in 1941, was leading after 12 rounds – 7-5, 7-4-1, 6-6 on the three judges’ cards – but was knocked out with two seconds left in the 13th round.

Conn later said to Louis: “Hey, Joe, why didn’t you just let me have the title for six months?”1MailbagTypewriter

Replied Louis: “I let you have it for 12 rounds and you couldn’t keep it. How could I let you have it for six months?”

I can just imagine Falcons quarterback Matt Ryan telling Patriots QB Tom Brady: “Hey, Tom, you had already won four Super Bowls, why couldn’t you just let me have one?”

To which Brady would reply: “I let you guys have it for the first 59 minutes of the game and you couldn’t keep it!”

*

From the mailbag: Christine Weidenheimer complimented my column on Mary Tyler Moore and the importance of chasing dreams, and added: “The real reason for this note is to say, ‘Don’t ever give up holding doors open for strangers.’

“If you did that for me, I would greet you with a smile and a ‘Thank you’ for making me feel special. I’m sorry the woman who told you, ‘I’m quite capable of opening a door myself,’ was so unpleasant.

“May good manners and friendliness never go out of style!”

And may they come back into style in Washington D.C. and the White House.

*

“I loved Mary Tyler Moore and your comment of tossing your hat over the wall was so inspirational,” wrote Jane Rozanski. “I’ve similarly used Shirley MacLaine’s inspiring quote for years: ‘To get to the fruit, you have to go out on a limb!’ ”

*

Climbing out on a limb at risk of receiving mean-spirited emails, as I always do when I mention politics in this space, let me add one more comment about the White House bully pulpit – emphasis on “bully.”

For anyone who wants to print up the T-shirts, I offer this hastag slogan free of charge: #NotMyBullyPuppet.

*

More mail, more inspiration, this time from Ted Stekkinger, who wrote:

“There is almost nothing more satisfying than achieving a goal or dream you set for yourself. I was a person that had always tried to be conscious of that, but lost that awareness as I got older and had to have an awakening to get me back on track after I almost lost my life after an illness.”

Stekkinger, now 65, knows the satisfaction of a dream pursued – and achieved. In recent years he has completed hikes of 1,400 miles from his home in Santa Paula to Canada; 500 miles from France to Spain; and 600 miles again in Spain – all while pulling a two-wheeled cart instead of using a backpack.

“I sustained a fairly debilitating injury on my last adventure that has stopped me from starting my next challenge I had planned to start this month,” Stekkinger continued. “But I am already working hard at thinking of ways I can still go after it.

“Like I have always told my three children, ‘Think of ways how you can do something, and not why you can’t do something.’ ”

*

Carol Williams, a former teacher – mostly high school – for 40 years, supported my recent comment about kids today being given too much homework.

“I always advocated for conservative homework assignments,” she wrote, “but NO assignments over the weekends. Kids and their families need time to participate in other activities that allow for a rounded lifestyle.

“I always told my kids that school was their job, and people get time off on their jobs for other life activities.”

Like pursuing their dreams.

* * *

Woody Woodburn writes a weekly column for The Ventura County Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com.

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Tip of the Hat to Pursuing Dreams

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Tip of the Hat to Pursuing Dreams

Making the point that there is simply no pleasing some people, the late great columnist Jim Murray liked to tell the story of a man who dived into the ocean to save a young boy from drowning, but instead of being thanked by the rescued child’s mother, she reprimanded: “But he had a hat on! Where’s his hat?”

1MTMoore

Mary Tyler Moore’s character Mary Richards famously tossing her hat in the air makes a nice metaphor for chasing one’s dreams.

This tale flashed to my mind the other day when I performed the un-heroic act of holding a door open for a woman entering Barnes & Noble. Instead of a smile or thank you, she sneered: “I’m quite capable of opening a door myself.”

Apparently, however, she was incapable of being pleasant.

Which brings me to a second hat, one belonging to someone who always seemed pleasant. More than pleasant; buoyant; a human champagne bubble. Indeed, Mary Tyler Moore, a TV icon who passed away at age 80 on Jan. 25, could turn the world on with her smile.

She did so first as effervescent housewife Laura Petrie on “The Dick Van Dyke Show” and then even more famously as spunky, single, working woman Mary Richards on “The Mary Tyler Moore Show.”

Moore’s death brought a hat to mind because of the familiar theme-song footage at the beginning of “The Mary Tyler Moore Show” that concluded with Mary, crossing an intersection in downtown Minneapolis where she worked as a TV news producer, enthusiastically and confidently and happily flinging her knit cap high into the air.

As the show’s theme song said, she was “gonna make it after all.”

Making it after all, despite challenges, made me think of a third hat –making this column the literary equivalent of a hockey “hat trick” I suppose – this one from a story told by another late, great newspaper columnist, Jack Smith.

Actually, it wasn’t Smith’s own story. Rather, he related a tale that President Kennedy shared about coming upon a high wall that he was afraid to climb over even though he wanted to see what was on the other side.

What to do? JFK said he threw his hat over the wall – and thus had no choice but to scale it and go after his hat.

Mary Richards, I like to think, was symbolically throwing her hat over a wall in the intro footage of her TV show.

Too, it seems to me, many of us would do well to similarly throw our hats over a symbolic wall – forcing ourselves to climb high and go after our dreams.

Granted, chasing a dream puts one at risk of failure. But by not tossing our hat over the wall, we risk regret; we risk winding up as permanently dispirited as the mother complaining about her rescued son’s lost hat.

Have you long dreamed of learning to play a musical instrument; learning a new language; learning to surf or fly fish or play golf? Throw your hat over the wall by signing up for lessons.

Have you always dreamed of traveling to fill-in-the-destination? Throw your hat over the wall by booking a flight and putting in for vacation time.

Do you dream of climbing Mount Whitney or running a marathon? Get off the couch, buy hiking boots or running shoes, and see from what type of metal you are forged.

Is your dream to go back to school? Throw your hat over the wall and turn in an application.

Maybe your dream is to write a novel, but you don’t know how to start? Throw your hat over the wall and type an opening sentence! It matters not if you have no writing experience.

As Ernest Hemingway once told a friend, who was afraid to undertake a task for the same virginal reason: “What’s that got to do with it? I had no experience writing a novel until I wrote the first one.”

In other words, throw your hat over the wall – and do so with the gusto of Mary Richards. As “The Mary Tyler Moore Show” theme song concluded, “You might just make it after all.”

* * *

Woody Woodburn writes a weekly column for The Ventura County Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com.

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“Just the Alternative Facts, Ma’am”

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“Just the Alternative Facts, Ma’am”

Have you ever felt like kicking yourself when, after the moment has passed, you later come up with a reply or answer you wish you had said?

This happened to me recently when I was interviewed on a book talk show. At the time I felt good about what I offered about my life and my writing, but now I wish I had dished out some more interesting “alternative facts.” Here, belatedly, are some things I wish I had shared . . .1facts

One of my all-time favorite cartoons ran in The New Yorker and shows two couples sitting in a living room and one of the husbands says, “That story reminds me of the time I walked on the moon.” I guess I love this cartoon because it reminds me of my own lunar stroll.

I once defeated Mike and Bob Bryan in doubles. It took me three sets, but that’s only because I played them one-against-two.

Warren Buffet, now and then, asks me for stock tips.

Sometimes doctors, who have been asked by a patient for a second opinion, come to me for my first-rate opinion.

I am so modest to a fault that I keep my Pulitzer Prize tucked out of sight in a drawer. I’m not even sure which drawer, that’s how little I care about awards.

Now that I think about it, I think my Pulitzer might be in my sock drawer – alongside my Olympic silver medal for the marathon. I hate to make excuses, but I would have won the gold if the media’s lead motorcycle hadn’t led me off course causing me to run an extra mile.

I have a sandwich named after me – The DagWoody – but it’s only available on a “secret menu” at a restaurant that remains top secret.

Each morning I wake up and am frustrated to see that my most recent book, “Strawberries in Wintertime,” isn’t on the New York Times Best Sellers List. This isn’t right because I know I’ve signed one million, maybe a million and a half, copies for people.

A lot of people, really smart people who read lots of books, have told me my memoir “Wooden & Me” is better than “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.”

Murray, my 10-year-old boxer, won Best in Show at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show and was also a world Frisbee champion when he was younger.

Basketball’s 3-point line: my idea.

The second time I reached the summit of Mount Everest was not as thrilling as the first time. Both times, of course, I did so without aid of supplemental oxygen.

My wife was not only a senior homecoming princess at Granada High School, she was later Miss America.

Wrestling an alligator may be dangerous, but it isn’t all that challenging in my experience.

In an open-water swim around the Ventura Pier and back to the beach, I beat Michael Phelps by 10 meters.

I celebrated New Year’s Day by performing a Chumash-inspired rain dance. I’m just saying.

If I’m being totally honest, sometimes I egotistically wish Beyonce and Taylor Swift would give me credit for helping them write song lyrics – but mostly I’m just happy to have played an unsung role in helping their careers.

Jack Dorsey, my fellow co-founder of Twitter, won a coin toss and that’s why a Tweet can have 140 characters instead of the 150 maximum that I suggested.

Few will argue that Tom Brady throws a tighter and more-accurate spiral – even with a fully inflated football – ever since I showed him my method for gripping the laces.

I was more than happy to offer Denzel and Viola some acting tips for their roles in “Fences.”

All modesty aside, I think the musical “Hamilton” is as great as it is partly because I helped Lin-Manuel Miranda polish the lyrics.

I can spell the last name of Duke basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski.

And those are, as “Dragnet’s” TV character Sgt. Joe Friday would say, “Just the facts, ma’am – the alternative facts.”

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Woody Woodburn writes a weekly column for The Ventura County Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com.

Wooden&Me_cover_PRCheck out my new memoir WOODEN & ME: Life Lessons from My Two-Decade Friendship with the Legendary Coach and Humanitarian to Help “Make Each Day Your Masterpiece”

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Add Circus to Memory Lane

STRAW_CoverWoody’s highly anticipated new book “STRAWBERRIES IN WINTERTIME: Essays on Life, Love, and Laughter” is NOW available! Order your signed copy HERE!

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Add the Circus to Our Memory Lane

“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! BOYS AND GIRLS OF ALL AGES! WELCOME TO TODAY’S ‘GREATEST COLUMN ON EARTH!’ I AM YOUR RINGMASTER, WOODY. LET THE READING BEGIN!”

The Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus announced that, after a 146-year run as “The Greatest Show on Earth,” it is folding up its big-top tents for good in May.

Another piece of Americana bite the sawdust, but the wistful handwriting was on the wall when the pachyderms packed up their trunks a couple years ago and moved off to retirement villages. Some people are angry at animal rights groups for breaking up the band, so to speak, but I applaud the efforts of PETA and others.1elephant

As a wide-eyed young boy going to the circus, I marveled at the trapeze acts and the flying man shot from a canon and the lion tamer, but I was most mesmerized by the elephants. However, as a man taking my own children – once, and only once – I felt deep remorse at the servitude of these grand animals for our amusement.

Without elephants on the marquee, the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus pretty much became “The OK-est Show on Earth.” Replacing the majestic march of elephants with sequined performers riding a caravan of camels was like replacing a tour of the Giant Sequoias in Yosemite National Park with a visit to a Christmas tree farm in Somis.

It is joyless to say goodbye after nearly 150 years of memory-making history, and yet it seems well past time to do so. Sure, the trapeze artists can still provide a thrill, but let’s be honest – you can witness more thrilling gravity-defying acts at any local skateboard park or parkour gathering.

Lion tamers? Again, the once death-defying act has lost its adrenaline rush as the big cats have become more lethargic than an aerophobic passenger made calm by Quaaludes. A more energetic example of animal training is to watch dogs in an agility contest where they jump through hoops, walk across seesaws, and zig-zag through slalom poles.

On and on, all the acts of the famous three rings can be found outside the big top – often in even more exciting forms.

As for the clowns, we still have Washington, D.C.

1clownAll that said, the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus was a national treasure and to have it close shop brings a sense of loss. And if the biggest of the big tops folds up, it is hard to imagine the smaller circus companies surviving much longer either.

This pending extinction of the circus brought to my mind some other heirlooms of my youth that now exist only in memories and attics. It is strange to imagine that the circus joining these artifacts, not to be experienced by future generations. Things like:

Wood baseball bats, wood tennis rackets, wood drivers.

Manual typewriters and the pleasing feeling striking the keys with a little oomph.

Rotary phones. What I most remember is how long it took a “0” to rotate back when you dialed it, and of course a “9” nearly as long, and how frustrating it was when your finger would slip out prematurely when dialing one of these numbers and you had hang up and start anew.

LP records and 45s; 8-tracks and cassettes; movie projectors and VHS tapes.

Filling station attendants who cleaned the windshield and checked the oil.

Glass soda bottles that you could return to the store and get back a 5-cent deposit. And using a “church key” to open a can of pop.

The milkman, who left your regular order in an insulated milk box on your doorstep. And if you wanted something different, you tucked a rolled-up note halfway in the top of an empty milk bottle.

Three TV channels. And the “remote control” was the youngest sibling in the room. And rabbit ears.

Newspapers delivered by boys, and sometimes girls, tossing strikes while riding bikes.

“NOW SAY GOODBYE TO THE CIRCUS, BOYS AND GIRLS! AND LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, DRIVE HOME SAFELY.”

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Woody Woodburn writes a weekly column for The Ventura County Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com.

Wooden&Me_cover_PRCheck out my new memoir WOODEN & ME: Life Lessons from My Two-Decade Friendship with the Legendary Coach and Humanitarian to Help “Make Each Day Your Masterpiece”

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A Few Drive-Thru Lines to Chew On

STRAW_CoverWoody’s highly anticipated new book “STRAWBERRIES IN WINTERTIME: Essays on Life, Love, and Laughter” is NOW available! Order your signed copy HERE!

 * * *

A 700-Word Homework Assignment of Jottings

According to scholars, Emily Dickinson’s poems – she wrote nearly 1,800, although only 10 were published during her lifetime – often began as notes, scribbled in pencil, on scraps of paper she kept in her dress pocket while gardening or running errands.

She would later cull from these jottings when composing formally in ink on stationary late at night in her bedroom.

While I am no poet and certainly no Dickinson, I also make notes while out and about, perhaps waiting in a “drive-thru” window line. However, instead of pencil and paper, I usually send myself a text on my smart phone.

Later, I combine and expand on them, such as for this 700-word homework assignment of random thoughts.

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1TunnelTreeIn 1948, the In-N-Out in Baldwin Park is believed to have become the nation’s first fast-food restaurant to have a “drive-thru” window featuring an intercom for ordering. However, an even more historic “drive-thru” was created seven decades earlier when a tunnel was cut through a giant sequoia in Calaveras Big Trees State Park.

Sadly, this “Drive-Thru Tree” was felled by a storm last Sunday. Like most everyone who ever visited the famous tree, I was spellbound by the experience – and I would happily see every fast-food “drive-thru” window in California permanently closed in exchange to have the tree standing again.

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Add giant “drive-thru” sequoia: To paraphrase Joyce Kilmer – I think that I shall never see, / Even a Dickinson poem lovely as that tree.

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To keep or discard the Electoral College is a legitimate debate, but the argument that if you take away California then Donald Trump would have won the popular vote is as ridiculous as saying that if LeBron James’ points didn’t count then the Golden State Warriors, not the Cleveland Cavaliers, would have won the NBA championship last season.

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Nobody asked me, but I thought Jean Cowden Moore’s article headlined “Do Kids Need Homework?” in the Star last Sunday was terrific and important.

As a Baby Boomer who can’t remember having homework until high school and even then not very much, and as a parent who saw his two children loaded down with homework in middle school and then buried with it in high school, I vote for no homework until high school, and then sparsely.

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Add homework: Mark Twain said, “Don’t let school interfere with your education.” It seems to me traditional homework does precisely this by making youth dislike school rather than fostering a love for learning.

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Gripe No. 37 on homework: High school teachers are not always on the same page and too often many will assign a boatload of homework on the same night resulting in students being up past midnight – and even later if they play a sport, study music, or have an after-school job.

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Four exceptions for “homework” I would applaud being assigned regularly: community service, reading for pleasure, reading for pleasure and reading for pleasure.

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Although I never had him in school, one of my all-time favorite teachers was Chuck Marshall (my sister-in-law’s father) who seemed to make every conversation both fun and educational. Sadly, he passed away last week and in his honor I would like to share some wisdom from another Chuck – Chuck Thomas, the late, great philosopher who wrote so wonderfully in this space before I tried to fill his shoes:

“If there’s someone whose friendship you treasure, be sure to tell them now – without waiting for a memorial service to say it.”

Ditto for a teacher you treasure.

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Coming full circle again to Emily Dickinson: although “Hope is the Thing with Feathers” is perhaps her best-known poem, I am partial to “If I can stop one Heart from breaking”:

“If I can stop one heart from breaking, / I shall not live in vain;

“If I can ease one life the aching, / Or cool one pain,

“Or help one fainting robin / Unto his nest again,

“I shall not live in vain.”

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Woody Woodburn writes a weekly column for The Ventura County Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com.

Wooden&Me_cover_PRCheck out my new memoir WOODEN & ME: Life Lessons from My Two-Decade Friendship with the Legendary Coach and Humanitarian to Help “Make Each Day Your Masterpiece”

 

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