Monthly Archives: February 2021

Today’s Words Brought To You By…

by Woody

FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM: @woodywoodburn

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Today’s Column Is

Brought To You By…

(Today’s Woody Woodburn Column is brought to you, in part, by the United States Postal Service: “Email, texts, Twitter, Snapchat, Zoom and Facebook are newfangled fads. We’ve been around since 1792 and promise to be here serving you old-school style at least until April 2021!”)

Drastic times call for draconian measures. Newspapers are reinventing themselves in search of new revenue streams, so much so that when I asked my editor for a raise his reply was, “Wood-Bum, I’m of half-a-mind to start charging you to print your drivel each Saturday morning!” That estimate of his brainpower seems about right and also gave me a brainstorm idea.

(The following paragraph is sponsored by Tesla: “Our 2021 fleet of electric vehicles offers the forward-thinking you’ve grown to expect from Tesla – and from Woody’s column.”)

Do you want to become an official sponsor in a future column? Like the sneaker ad says, “Just do it!” Call 1-900-WOODY-AD. Consider this: a 30-second commercial during the 2021 Super Bowl cost a whopping $5.5 million, but for a tiny fraction of that you can be the title sponsor of an entire 600-word essay in this space that takes nearly three minutes to read. What a bargain!

Sure, sure, I know these pop-up ads break the flow of this column, what trickling flow there was to begin with – (This sentence is brought to you by MaxFlo: “We help you go fast, not slow!”)  – but sacrifices must be made. I mean, have you watched TV news lately? The sports reports are all “brought to you by” memory enhancement supplements and other products I can’t remember. Furthermore, the P.O.D. (Play Of the Day) highlight has its own P.O.D. (Payer Of the Day) sponsor.

(Today’s P.O.D. – Paragraph Of the Day – is presented by Staples, the official office supplier of Woody’s pens, printer paper and cartridge toner.)

College football bowl games, sports stadiums and arenas all shill their naming rights to corporate America. Meanwhile, pro tennis players and golfers wear so many advertising patches they look like walking billboards. And have you seen a NASCAR racecar? The only place without a sponsor’s decal is a spot on the windshield for the driver to peep out through.

(This segment of today’s column is proudly presented to you by Eyebobs: “Our reading glasses bring Woody’s words into clear focus.”)

A few boxers have even gone so far as to temporarily tattoo ads on their backs. Yes, in the world of sports endorsements, everything is for sale. Well, what’s good for the sports goose is good for the former sports columnist.

Meanwhile, Hollywood is even worse – or better! – with movie plots and TV shows now designed around product placements. Since it all begins on the printed page, why shouldn’t writers (me!) get in on the lucrative action?

(The following Venti paragraph is brought to your coffee table by Starbucks.)

I am also looking to land a computer endorsement deal. If athletes can earn millions to wear a certain brand sports shoe, why shouldn’t writers (me again!) at least get a 20-percent discount on a laptop? Heck, maybe Apple will pay me to use a Microsoft Surface or Dell XPS instead of my current MacBook Pro!

(The closing thought of this week’s column is brought to you by Yolanda’s Mexican Cafe: “Even an NFL offensive lineman can’t finish our Grande Tostada!”)

Is my idea half-baked literary lunacy? Or marketing genius? Well, Mark Twain once observed: “Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising.” I’m banking on it.

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Woody Woodburn writes a weekly column for The Ventura County Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram at @woodywoodburn. His SIGNED books are available at www.WoodyWoodburn.com.

Personalized Signed copies of WOODEN & ME: Life Lessons from My Two-Decade Friendship with the Legendary Coach and Humanitarian to Help “Make Each Day Your Masterpiece” and  “Strawberries in Wintertime: Essays on Life, Love, and Laughter” are available at WoodyWoodburn.com

Jewell-Like Senior Visits Are Missed

by Woody

FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM: @woodywoodburn

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Jewell-Like Senior

Visits Are Missed

It has been nearly a year since coronavirus knocked the world tush over teakettle. Perhaps no group has been more upended than senior citizens who not only are among the most vulnerable to the heinous disease, but can feel lonely and quarantined even in the best of times.

Indeed, not being able to visit my 94-year-old father in the Ventura Townehouse for much of the past 11 months due to COVID-19 lockdowns has made my empathy surge for those elderly folks who have no one to visit them even outside with safe social distancing.

This, in turn, has me thinking about a former Townehouse resident named Jewell. Thanks to Ventura County’s Caregivers Assisting The Elderly, a sparkling jewel of an organization, and its student volunteer program, Jewell did have visitors.

Jewell with her favorite scarf.

“After school and on weekends, groups of teenagers supervised by Caregiver adults visit the homes of senior citizens and help them with gardening, cleaning and other household chores,” recalls my daughter, Dallas, who joined the program as a high school sophomore. “But the most requested service is simply providing a few minutes of company.”

Caregivers as friendship givers.

“Jewell was a natural storyteller who delighted in the smallest details,” Dallas shares. “I learned that as a young woman, she and her mother moved to California from Missouri. Jewell had lived in Ventura for more than half a century and I loved hearing what my hometown was once like.”

Long before Caregivers assisted Jewell, she was the caregiver for her mother through a long terminal illness.

“Even when sharing a sad story,” Dallas marvels, “Jewell would end it with a smile and say, ‘I sure am lucky. I’ve had such a blessed life.’ She was an inspiration.”

When Dallas moved off to college, her younger brother filled her absence visiting Jewell. Too, Dallas stayed in touch with letters and visited during holidays and summers.

“She never married and had no children, but I like to think Greg and I became her surrogate grandchildren,” Dallas says, adding happily: “Other Townehouse residents often assumed we were her grandkids and she always smiled and never corrected them.”

Dallas laughingly remembers their lunch outings together and how her frail companion sprinkled Splenda on most everything, including syrupy pancakes. But an even sweeter memory was the time Jewell asked Dallas and Greg to drive her to the drugstore because she dearly wanted a disposable camera.

“We had to go right away in the middle of a visit,” Dallas retells. “When we finally returned to her room, the urgency of her request became clear – she wanted to take a picture of the three of us to put on her refrigerator.”

“I miss you when you’re away,” Jewell told them.

“We miss you, too,” they replied.

When the photos were developed, Jewell mailed them copies and included a snapshot of her wearing a sky-blue scarf Dallas knitted as a gift the previous Christmas.

“I love that photo,” Dallas says. “I have it in a frame in my living room. Jewell’s smile was contagious – still is.”

Ten years ago last week, a brief illness claimed Jewell’s life at age 86.

“I was living in Indiana and as always sent my dear friend a card for Valentine’s Day,” Dallas shares. “Jewell died on February 12, but I like to think she received my card before she passed.”

As the final line of “The Sun Also Rises” by Ernest Hemingway says, “Isn’t it pretty to think so?”

It’s also pretty to think of all our seniors getting COVID-19 vaccinations and again enjoying in-person visits that are precious as jewels.

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Woody Woodburn writes a weekly column for The Ventura County Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram at @woodywoodburn. His SIGNED books are available at www.WoodyWoodburn.com.

Personalized Signed copies of WOODEN & ME: Life Lessons from My Two-Decade Friendship with the Legendary Coach and Humanitarian to Help “Make Each Day Your Masterpiece” and  “Strawberries in Wintertime: Essays on Life, Love, and Laughter” are available at WoodyWoodburn.com

Empathy Lesson Remains Wise

by Woody

FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM: @woodywoodburn

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Empathy Lesson

Remains Wise

Something my Grandpa Ansel told me long ago is surely a lesson your own grandfather or grandma taught you: “Don’t judge someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.”

Atticus Finch put it more poetically, and powerfully, in “To Kill A Mockingbird.” Speaking to his daughter Scout he said, “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view — until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.”

Empathy, like COVID-19 vaccines, seems to be in especially short supply of late. Indeed, I was reminded of Atticus and Ansel’s words by a recent story in The Washington Post followed by an encounter I witnessed in a local parking lot.

I will begin with the newspaper account of a home in Long Island that kept its outdoor Christmas lights and decorations up well past the holidays. When February arrived, an anonymous neighbor sent a typed letter that was far from being a sweet Valentine’s Day card: “Take your Christmas lights down! Its Valentines Day!!!!!!”

In addition to lacking an apostrophe in “It’s” and grossly overusing exclamation marks, both far worse offenses than delinquent decorations, the scolding letter had the opposite effect than intended. Instead of 31-year-old Sara Pascucci taking down her colored lights and ornaments, house after house in her neighborhood put theirs back up.

This happened after Pascucci shared her personal plight with a Facebook group of local moms. In other words, others got the chance to walk a mile in her shoes – and learned they were heavy with grief.

In January, Pascucci’s father and aunt both died of COVID-19 within a week of one another. Her dad, by the way, was the one who put up her holiday decorations as he did each year. Moreover, this was the first year her 2-year-old son could really enjoy the twinkling lights.

If the five stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance – had a sixth stage, it might be Taking Down The Christmas Decorations One’s Father Put Up For The Very Last Time. Indeed, Pascucci could not yet bring herself to do so.

Sounding a little like Atticus and Ansel, she wrote on her Facebook posting: “No one really knows what is going on inside the house or why we didn’t take down the decorations. I couldn’t believe someone would do this.”

Also unbelievable, and happily so, was the show of support from her neighbors once they climbed inside of her skin and walked around in it.

From Long Island we travel to a parking lot with a view of the Channel Islands where a car pulled into a handicapped spot directly in front of the entrance to a store. Even though a blue-and-white Disabled Person Placard was in plain site hanging from the rearview mirror, the driver – along with his daughter, who seemed no older than 10 – was challenged by a rude stranger.

Instead of “Take your Christmas lights down! Its Valentines Day!!!!!!” The Rude Man sneered, complete with an abundance of exclamation marks: “You can’t park here! You’re not handicapped!! Where’s your wheelchair?!!! You’re not limping!!!!”

To his credit, the father shielded his young daughter and went inside the store without engaging with The Rude Man for he had no obligation to explain what disability – heart condition, back issues, fill-in-the blank – is going on beneath his skin.

Rather, The Rude Man needs to learn that trying to get under someone’s skin is not the same as climbing inside it. Had he walked in the father’s shoes, he might have understood the invisible limp.

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Woody Woodburn writes a weekly column for The Ventura County Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram at @woodywoodburn. His SIGNED books are available at www.WoodyWoodburn.com.

Personalized Signed copies of WOODEN & ME: Life Lessons from My Two-Decade Friendship with the Legendary Coach and Humanitarian to Help “Make Each Day Your Masterpiece” and  “Strawberries in Wintertime: Essays on Life, Love, and Laughter” are available at WoodyWoodburn.com

Forecast: 92-Percent Chance Of Love

by Woody

FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM: @woodywoodburn

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Forecast: 92-Percent

Chance Of Love

If the weather app on you phone says there’s 92-percent chance of rain, you’d best take your umbrella or wear a raincoat.

If Netflix ranks a movie title a 92-pecent match with your viewing history, it’s a coin toss if you’ll actually like it.

And if an online dating site claims you are a 92-percent match with another person, I would suggest you go meet someone the old-fashioned way at a party, park, bookstore or grocery store aisle.

To begin with, if “opposites attract” shouldn’t you want more like a 12-percent match? Perhaps dating algorithms take this into account, but I’m still a naysayer.

Without ever having used one, my complaint with dating apps is not that they aren’t good matchmakers but rather that they are raining on one of my favorite things to do when I’m introduced to a couple. Be they engaged or newlyweds or married for decades, I like to ask: “How did you meet?”

Almost without fail, their faces light up and I’m treated to a story they love to tell. Quite often it’s more entertaining than a rom-com. Alas, how does a meet-cute happen in cyberspace?

Let me tell you how. Actually, I shall let my daughter Dallas tell you. First, as a teaser trailer, imagine “You’ve Got Mail” with Meg Ryan’s book-loving “Shopgirl” character played by an equally adorable girl who loves books and sunflowers. Meanwhile, cantankerous Joe Fox with the email username “NY152” is played by a good-looking young man as likeable as the real-life Tom Hanks.

Spoiler alert: The sunflower-loving girl, a Dodgers fan by the way, and the young man who has loved the Oakland A’s since boyhood have now been married four years and have a precious 2-year-old daughter.

And so, with February being the month of “Love and Romance” and Cupid and Valentine’s Day, I now turn the column over to Dallas:

Lovebirds Allyn and Dallas — Hollywood name, Dallyn!

“One night in late January 2014, ‘Sunflowergirl87’ was browsing OkCupid when she came across a photo of a handsome guy with a bird on his shoulder, ‘OaktownA’sFan,’ who the dating-site algorithm declared was a 92% match. She decided to reach out with a message.

“ ‘Hi! I was really drawn to your profile – you seem like such a genuine, adventurous, glass-half-full person, and I just wanted to reach out and say hello . . .’

“OaktownA’sFan read this sincere, heart-on-her-sleeve message and immediately knew this girl had not been online dating for long, because she sounded way too optimistic and friendly. ‘I better swoop her up fast,’ he thought.

“ ‘Hi there! Thank you for such a sweet and thoughtful message. I would love to meet up for coffee or tea sometime!’

“They messaged back and forth a little bit – about Dallas’s writing, Allyn’s sustainable business MBA, dogs, random acts of kindness – before OaktownA’sFan (‘my name is Allyn, pronounced Alan’) asked sunflowergirl87 (‘my name is Dallas, like the city’) out for ice cream at Lottie’s Ice Cream Parlor in Walnut Creek.

“Their first date, on February 1, was a rainy evening – not the best weather for ice cream, but neither of them minded. Allyn ordered the adventurous flavor with cayenne pepper in it. Dallas ordered something chocolate. Allyn was so attentive asking Dallas questions that she talked and talked and talked and her ice cream all melted. They walked down the street to Starbucks to talk longer because neither felt ready to say goodbye yet.

“The next day, Allyn asked Dallas out on a second date.

“Soon after that, they both disabled their OkCupid accounts.”

I love a cute love story, don’t you?

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Woody Woodburn writes a weekly column for The Ventura County Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram at @woodywoodburn. His SIGNED books are available at www.WoodyWoodburn.com.

Personalized Signed copies of WOODEN & ME: Life Lessons from My Two-Decade Friendship with the Legendary Coach and Humanitarian to Help “Make Each Day Your Masterpiece” and  “Strawberries in Wintertime: Essays on Life, Love, and Laughter” are available at WoodyWoodburn.com