For a Personalized Autographed copy of “STRAWBERRIES IN WINTERTIME” or “WOODEN & ME” mail a check for $25 to:

Woody Woodburn

400 Roosevelt Court

Ventura, CA 93003

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This, That, and Other iConfessions

It seems there’s a smartphone app for just about everything. For iPhone users, this includes a download approved by the Catholic Church that coaches people through a practice confession of their sins before going to a real confessional booth.

The creators didn’t ask me, but instead of calling it “Confession: A Roman Catholic App” I think they should have dubbed it “iConfess.”

By the way, iConfess I think the app is a waste of $1.99.

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I am not Catholic, nor do I have a new iPhone X, but iConfess I would probably owe a few Hail Marys penance for my verbal reaction if I did own one and dropped it – seeing as that the repair cost for a broken screen is a whopping $279.

Apple didn’t ask me, but I think it should throw in a free “Confession: A Roman Catholic App” with every iPhone X.

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iConfess to sometimes cursing poor customer service, including by the U.S. Postal Service, Federal Express and United Parcel Service for committing various sins to letters, magazines and packages.

Fair being fair, I must also praise UPS – specifically, one of its delivery drivers who knocked on my front door at 9 p.m. earlier this week.

It seems a large package for me had erroneously been loaded onto the wrong truck and thus would not get delivered until the following day.

However, when this driver learned about the mistake from his boss, he offered to personally drop the parcel off on his own time on his drive home from work.

By the way, the friendly driver was a millennial – a group that is too often maligned for being self-centered and lazy.

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Speaking of maligned groups, people often complain about Caltrans for its slow progress on projects or having four people supervising two people who actually appear to be working.

iConfess I have similarly grumbled, but Caltrans merits our deepest thanks and highest praise for the Herculean job its workers did toiling tirelessly around the clock to clear away more than 100,000 cubic yards – 12 feet deep in some places – to reopen Highway 101 in less than two weeks following the monumental mudslides in Montecito.

No one asked me, but I think we all need to keep this in mind the next time roadwork causes traffic to slow to a crawl and has our impatience racing.

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iConfess to liking most of Kevin Costner’s movies, have loved his performance in a number of them, but the role I most admire him for is as a loyal and generous hometown boy. Very few big-time actors are able to genuinely pull that off.

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While it is indeed good news, iConfess that we have flat-out gone statistic crazy when The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration reports a new record being set of 246 consecutive days since a person in the U.S. was killed by a tornado.

Hey NOAA, what’s the record for jellyfish stings in the U.S. on a single day? On a Wednesday? On a Wednesday in April?

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iConfess to being fed up with magazines that use technology to print different covers for newsstands and subscription editions, yet insert two, three, even six annoying new-subscription postcards inside a magazine sent to someone (me) who already subscribes to it.

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Speaking of print periodicals, my favorite is Patagonia’s catalogue (pronounced “magazine”) as each new edition is filled with stunning outdoor photography as well as well-written feature stories about inspiring people, the environment, travel, wildlife, and more.

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iConfess to disliking (pronounced “despising”) the New England Patriots.

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Lastly, iConfess to having no interest in buying an Amazon Alexa that can play music, look up recipes, order groceries, control the thermostat and lock doors, give news and weather updates – including how many consecutive days since a person was killed by a tornado in the U.S. – and more, all by voice command.

Unless, that is, I could say, “Alexa, write next week’s column for me.”

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Woody Woodburn writes a weekly column for The Ventura County Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com.

Check out my memoir WOODEN & ME: Life Lessons from My Two-Decade Friendship with the Legendary Coach and Humanitarian to Help “Make Each Day Your Masterpiece” and my essay collection “Strawberries in Wintertime: Essays on Life, Love, and Laughter” …

• Personalized signed copies are available at WoodyWoodburn.com
• Unsigned paperbacks or Kindle ebook can be purchased here at Amazon

For a Personalized Autographed copy of “STRAWBERRIES IN WINTERTIME” or “WOODEN & ME” mail a check for $25 to:

Woody Woodburn

400 Roosevelt Court

Ventura, CA 93003

* * *

Some Books that Knocked Me Out in 2017

My paternal grandfather, Augustus – called Auggie by all – was an executive in the publishing industry for Field Enterprises. Among other tomes, he helped produce the World Book Encyclopedia.

I have no memories of Grandpa Auggie for he died when I was very young. I do, however, have a few letters he wrote my mother. He was a very fine writer and eloquent poet.

I like to think I inherited some of Auggie’s love for the written word and talent with it.

Without question, some tangible things were passed down. Naturally, a complete set of World Book Encyclopedia was always on the bookshelves of my youth. Oh my, how many school reports I used those A-through-Z volumes for in the pre-Internet age!

Countless other books that Auggie brought home from work – the way, I suppose, a butcher brings home cuts of meat – lined our family bookcases. Twain and Shakespeare, not surprisingly, but also glossy children’s picture books and travel volumes from around the globe. Many of them were special-edition, leather-bound volumes.

Up in flames these heirloom books went when the Thomas Fire burned down my boyhood home, the home my father had lived in for 44 years and still did. Auggie’s books filled the study, a lovely room with ten-foot-high, ceiling-to-floor bookcases on two walls; shelves that took Pop and me two weekends to repaint one long-ago summer.

The Thomas Fire also seemed to consume something else, something less important – my eighth annual column recommending some favorites from my book-a-week reading list during the year. However, because so many requests came in, belatedly here goes.

“Hemingway in Love: His Own Story” by A.E. Hotchner. In addition to Hemingway’s two great romantic loves, this is memoir is about Papa’s friendship with the author.

Plays aren’t usually as “readable” as novels, but “The Moon is Down” by John Steinbeck proves an exception.

“Tears We Cannot Stop: A Sermon to White America” by Michael Eric Dyson is compelling and insightful from start to finish.

“Barbarian Days: A Surfing Life” by William Finnegan. One need not be a surfer to be captivated by this Pulitzer Prize-winning storytelling.

Another Pulitzer Prize honoree, “The Underground Railroad” by Colson Whitehead, is one of the most emotionally powerful novels I have read, ever.

“Lincoln at the Bardo: A Novel” by George Saunders. Readers will either love or loathe this unique offering – I, the former, and greatly.

“Stranger in the Woods: The Extraordinary Story of the Last True Hermit” by Michael Finkel. A nearly unbelievable true story, well told.

I found the new tome “Leonardo da Vinci” by Walter Isaacson underwhelming because it overwhelmed me with too much redundancy and made me wish the author had taken the time to pare its 624 pages in half. David McCullough, meanwhile, tells “The Wright Brothers” story marvelously and fully in 336 pages. I finished rereading this text while watching – and marveling at what Orville and Wilburn might think – jet airlines takeoff and land at LAX.

“We Stood Upon Stars: Finding God in Lost Places” by Venturan Roger Thompson, who weaves together a tapestry of fatherhood and travel, religion and also humor.

“The Journal Entries of an Addict” by Camarillo’s Stephen Michael Jester, II, is a collection of 365 haiku poems. I must add the disclosure that I am honored to be mentioned on the dedication page as “friend, mentor and fellow author.”

“Max Perkins Editor of Genius” by A. Scott Berg. Perkins was the literary agent of F. Scott Fitzgerald and Thomas Wolfe, among others, and thus this book segues nicely to the final pages I read in 2017, “My Salinger Year” by Joanna Rakoff.

This memoir about Rankoff’s experiences as an editorial assistant to the woman who represented the reclusive J.D. Salinger was all the more enjoyable for me because it takes place in the old-school publishing world Grandpa Auggie inhabited, with typewriters and Dictaphones, message couriers and martini lunch meetings.

To paraphrase Holden Caulfield in Salinger’s “The Catcher in the Rye,” these are some of the books that knocked me out last year.

* * *

Woody Woodburn writes a weekly column for The Ventura County Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com.

Check out my memoir WOODEN & ME: Life Lessons from My Two-Decade Friendship with the Legendary Coach and Humanitarian to Help “Make Each Day Your Masterpiece” and my essay collection “Strawberries in Wintertime: Essays on Life, Love, and Laughter” …

• Personalized signed copies are available at WoodyWoodburn.com
• Unsigned paperbacks or Kindle ebook can be purchased here at Amazon

For a Personalized Autographed copy of “STRAWBERRIES IN WINTERTIME” or “WOODEN & ME” mail a check for $25 to:

Woody Woodburn

400 Roosevelt Court

Ventura, CA 93003

* * *

Mailbag is Filled With Reasons to Smile

As a rule, a columnist needs the hide of an alligator but happily over the past few weeks all the reader emails I have received have given me a toothy grin.

I hope a sampling will likewise brighten your day . . .

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Rick Throckmorton agreed with my column about firefighters being true heroes:

“They are the unsung who go about their work without much notice or, unfortunately, admiration. Unnoticed, that is, until the flames are licking at the back door!

“I’ve been in the helicopter business for many, many years and have fought my share of fires. But time has caught up with me and I now watch from a distance and marvel at these guys – the next generation to replace us old ’Nam Vets.

“Fire is very similar to combat, except hopefully no one is shooting at you. The dangers exist on every flight from high winds and turbulence, low visibility in the smoke and flames, and even the possibility of running into the unseen drone – yet, these guys still go out and do battle with the Enemy: Fire and Flames.”

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Bob Nieto also praised firefighters:

“As a 45.5-year law enforcement officer (retired), I can mirror your thoughts and words regarding these true heroes. On many occasions, I have been alongside and worked with these courageous men and women.

“Firefighters and police are made like all others, who feel, hurt, cry, love and morn losses of life and work for the people of their community and state. They do it with honor and integrity.”

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Linda Calderon shared an original brief poem: “Sunrise: God peeling back night – revealing day’s bloom, petal by petal.”

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My friend John Watts, meanwhile, shared a story that his own friend, Peter, shared with him.

Stealing baby Jesus from the life-sized crèche had become an unwelcomed holiday tradition at the church Peter served as minister.

One year, however, instead of a theft there was a small gift left beside the infant with a hand-written label that read: “Happy Brithday, Jesus.”  Birthday was misspelled.

Curiosity got the best of Peter and he opened the red wrapping paper. Inside an old Shake ‘n Bake pork seasoning box was 33 cents – and a note on lined school paper reading:

“Dear Jesus, Happy Brithday. Here’s some small change for you to feed someone who is hungry. I give myself to be kind to others as you were kind to other people on earth. Love, Maria.”

Peter knew right away who Maria was for she lived on the church campus in the house it operated for people with chronic mental illness. She was, Peter recalls, “a tender soul” with a “big heart” who was “plagued by schizophrenia.”

“For 25 years now, I’ve kept that box and note and the change inside,” Peter says. “It sits in my desk drawer as a sacred relic of sorts, something I’m unwilling to part with. It may have been intended for Jesus, but it keeps on giving a beautiful reminder to me: Love is the best thing I have to give away.”

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Speaking of love and giving, the final tally announced here previously for this year’s Woody’s Holiday Ball Drive needs updating after a number of last-minute donations rolled in, including: Stacy DeLeon, and Sheila and Tom McCollum, with ten basketballs between them; and Jim Cowan with 10 more “in honor of the firefighters and policemen that saved so many homes from being lost!”

A reader, who wished to remain anonymous, also donated 10 basketballs after finally returning to his home following a long evacuation due to the Thomas Fire. He noted:

“I’m just trying to contribute to something that is so worthwhile. I think, in the back of my mind somewhere, is the hope that if he had known about even the truly small effort I’ve made to your Ball Drive, Coach John Wooden would have said something like, ‘Good job!’”

I’m confident Coach would have indeed praised everyone who contributed to this year’s drive that totaled 358 balls for kids in need.

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Woody Woodburn writes a weekly column for The Ventura County Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com.

Check out my memoir WOODEN & ME: Life Lessons from My Two-Decade Friendship with the Legendary Coach and Humanitarian to Help “Make Each Day Your Masterpiece” and my essay collection “Strawberries in Wintertime: Essays on Life, Love, and Laughter” …

• Personalized signed copies are available at WoodyWoodburn.com
• Unsigned paperbacks or Kindle ebook can be purchased here at Amazon