Monthly Archives: August 2016

Inglorious Treatment for Old Glory

by Woody

STRAW_CoverWoody’s highly anticipated new book “STRAWBERRIES IN WINTERTIME: Essays on Life, Love, and Laughter” is NOW available! Order your signed copy HERE! 

*   *   *

Inglorious treatment for Old Glory

One of the first newspaper stories I wrote, in my first journalism job, in Twentynine Palms, in 1982, was an interview with an American veteran who was a POW during World War II.

I have long forgotten this hero’s name, and the yellowed clipping has also been lost to time, but one thing remains indelible in my mind’s eye: a small, faded and tattered U.S. flag he showed me.

The historic Star-Spangled Banner that inspired Francis Scott Key.

The historic Star-Spangled Banner that inspired Francis Scott Key.

This old “Old Glory” was nonetheless glorious. Only the size of a dinner place mat, no American flag has had a bigger impact on me. Even seeing the 30- by 34-foot “Star Spangled Banner” on display in the Smithsonian that inspired Francis Scott Key to pen his famous poem did not give me more goose bumps.

Here is why: the POW’s flag was made, in secret and at great risk if discovered, by American prisoners using thread and yarn and patches cut from their very own clothes.

At night, when deemed relatively safe to do so, this contraband of brothers displayed their homemade Star-Spangled Banner and recited the Pledge of Allegiance and sang our national anthem.

The forbidden flag lifted their spirits and gave them strength to endure, the POW told me through tears of remembrance.

So you can understand why in last week’s column I expressed my curmudgeonly disgust at seeing the American flag used as a beach towel and photo prop by sweaty U.S. athletes after winning medals at the Rio Olympics.

It turns out I am not alone. Numerous readers voiced their agreement in person and by email.

“No, you are not a curmudgeon,” wrote Elmer Barber. “My wife and I also witnessed the total disregard for our symbol of liberty at the Games.

“My wife and I have flown a flag on a pole in our front yard (weather permitting) on the east end for over 40 years. We see it every day, the misuse of our beautiful flag. The problem is most people have no idea what the proper use and care is when it comes to the American Flag. Maybe someone will print the proper care of the flag.”

While there is not room here for all 1,100 words of “Flag Etiquette” offered at usflag.org, the overriding protocol is that the U.S. flag should be treated with the utmost respect.

For example, “the flag should never be dipped to any person or thing” and “should be raised briskly and lowered slowly and ceremoniously.” It therefore stands to reason a wadded-up American flag should not be tossed from the stands to an Olympic medal-winner like dirty laundry towards a hamper.

Similarly, literally wrapping oneself in the stars-and-stripes while still sweaty from competition seems to break the spirit of this stated decorum: “The flag should not be used as part of a costume or athletic uniform.”

Certainly if you have ever seen white-gloved soldiers carefully handling the U.S. flag with solemnity at a veteran’s funeral, it is distressing to see the stars-and-stripes used as a towel – or worse.

“I almost blew a gasket when I saw our flag used to wipe a nose after a hard run,” Fred Nagelschmidt shared by email.

“Some of the old regard for the flag has been lost over the years,” added Nagelschmidt, who served in World War II and the Korean War. “From an early age in school, we learned about the first days of our country and what the settlers did to achieve independence.

“My father served our country in two conflicts – the Mexican border conflict chasing Pancho Villa and then in France during WWI in which he received two Purple Hearts. He was the son of immigrants and whenever the National Anthem was played on the radio we all stood at attention.”

Here’s an idea for how future U.S. Olympians can restore old-school respect for Old Glory even in their athletic glory: Photoshop an American flag backdrop into your celebratory pictures.

Better yet, simply wave a placemat-sized flag on a stick. As a POW once made clear to me, when it comes to patriotism, size doesn’t matter.

*  *  *

Woody Woodburn writes a weekly column for The Ventura County Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com.

Wooden&Me_cover_PRCheck out my new memoir WOODEN & ME: Life Lessons from My Two-Decade Friendship with the Legendary Coach and Humanitarian to Help “Make Each Day Your Masterpiece”

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Speedy Keyboard Goes For Gold

by Woody

STRAW_CoverWoody’s highly anticipated new book “STRAWBERRIES IN WINTERTIME: Essays on Life, Love, and Laughter” is NOW available! Order your signed copy HERE! 

*   *   *

Helping Hand is Better Than Rio Gold

Nobody asked me, but here goes anyway, Olympics edition . . .

*

 The avalanche of NBC promos and product advertisements leading up to the Rio Olympics, reminiscent of Christmas ads starting before Thanksgiving, combined with months of headlines about polluted water, unfinished venues and pole vault-high soaring street crime, had me dreading the 2016 Summer Games even before the Opening Ceremonies arrived.

But once the cauldron flame was lighted, my bah-humbug-hey-kids-get-off-my-lawn grumpiness disappeared as fast as wing-footed Usain Bolt can fly 100 meters.

*

1boltSpeaking of Bolt, he is so unworldly speedy he should have to race in tennis shoes instead of spikes just to make things interesting.

*

Maybe I really am a curmudgeon, but am I the only one who dislikes seeing the American flag used as a beach towel and photo prop by sweaty athletes after winning a medal?

Wouldn’t waving a small parade-like flag on a wooden stick suffice?

*

Speaking of patriotism, while I like how Bolt is a showman without being a showboat, I loved how the Jamacian superstar paused a TV interview he was doing in order to respectfully turn and stand at attention for the U.S. national anthem.

Only after “. . . home of the brave” did he graciously resume his interview.

*

Hey P&G executives, you didn’t ask me, but regarding your Olympic “Thank you, Mom” TV ads: What about the dads?

*

Katie Ledecky is the aquatic version of Secretariat.

Indeed, her victory by 11 seconds in the 800-meter freestyle final was reminiscent of Secretariat winning the 1973 Belmont Stakes by 31 lengths.

*

Add Ledecky. In interviews, Karismatic Katie comes across as even more charming than she is fast.

“Charming,” however, is not a word I would use to describe Team USA women’s soccer goalie Hope Solo, who called Sweden “a bunch of cowards” after the defending Olympic champion Americans were defeated in the quarterfinals.

*

Nobody asked me, but U.S. swimmer Ryan Lochte is an even uglier “Ugly American” than Solo.

*

If South Africa’s 74-year-old Ans Botha – her runners call her “Tannie” which means “auntie” in Afrikaans – can coach Wayde van Niekerk to a 400-meter gold-medal victory in world-record time, maybe it’s time for U.S. college male sports programs and even pro teams to give women some shots as head coaches.

*

The way she “sticks” her landings, charismatic gyroscopic gymnastic superstar Simone Biles must have Velcro on the soles of her feet.

*

Wheaties didn’t ask me, but I say put Simone on your cereal box.

Actually, two Simones – Biles and also Simone Manuel, who set an Olympic record while winning gold in the 100-meter freestyle to make history as the first African American female swimmer to win an Olympic medal in an individual event.

*

Prediction for 2021: a lot of kindergarten girls will be named Simone.

*

I think it’s a little sad when an athlete who is favored to win an event expresses relief rather than joy after capturing a gold medal.

*

Meanwhile, I love it when an underdog surprises even himself or herself by capturing a bronze medal and their exuberance does twisting flips and somersaults over most gold-medal celebrations.

*

Abbey D’Agostino of the United States (R) is assisted by Nikki Hamblin of New Zealand in the 5,000 meters.

Abbey D’Agostino of the U.S. is assisted by Nikki Hamblin of New Zealand after their collision in the 5,000 meters.

As great as the thrills of victory have been, my favorite moment from the Rio Olympics involved the agony of defeat.

With four laps remaining in the 5,000-meters, New Zealand’s Nikki Hamblin stumbled in a tight pack and crashed to the track. American Abbey D’Agostino, running right behind Hamblin, tripped and fell as well.

D’Agostino jumped up quickly, but instead of bolting back into the race – not yet realizing she was injured – she turned to help Hamblin get back up. This in itself was rare and heartwarming sportsmanship.

But what happened next made it an epic example of the Olympic spirit ideal. When D’Agostino’s right leg buckled as she tried to resume running and she collapsed to the track, the hero roles became reversed as Hamblin stopped to assist D’Agostino.

Their shared Olympic glory is as golden as any medal.

*  *  *

Woody Woodburn writes a weekly column for The Ventura County Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com.

Wooden&Me_cover_PRCheck out my new memoir WOODEN & ME: Life Lessons from My Two-Decade Friendship with the Legendary Coach and Humanitarian to Help “Make Each Day Your Masterpiece”

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Boy’s and Girl’s Best Friend

by Woody

STRAW_CoverWoody’s highly anticipated new book “STRAWBERRIES IN WINTERTIME: Essays on Life, Love, and Laughter” is NOW available! Order your signed copy HERE! 

*   *   *

Every Dog Has His Day . . . And Column

Editors note: Woody Woodburn is taking the day off. His 10-year-old boxer, Murray, who is named after Pulitzer Prize winner Jim Murray, is filling in.

*

Have you ever been so dog-tired you couldn’t even muster the energy to fetch a tennis ball? That’s how wiped out I am right now, so obviously I didn’t feel like writing this column for Wood-daddy – but he knows my weakness for dog biscuits, so here I am pawing away at his keyboard.

Murray, the guest columnist

Murray, the guest columnist

Why is my long tongue dragging, you ask? Because my two favorite people in the entire universe were just home to visit me, that’s why! No offense to Alpha Pops and Mama Lisa, but My Girl and My Boy make my heart race double-time and my tail wag faster than a Ringo Starr drumstick.

This is saying something because I adore Mama so much I am her constant shadow. Even if I’m snoozing in a warm sunlit spot, if she leaves the room I’ll jump up and follow her – except when My Girl and My Boy are home.

And for the past two weeks, My Girl was home for the first time in ages. I was so surprised to see her, I did my trademark “helicopter” greeting where I spin around and around and around while simultaneously bucking up and down and up like a bronco with a spur under its saddle. Simone Biles would be envious of my gold-medal floor routine.

At my age, I needed a short nap afterwards, but first I had to take My Girl for a long walk and show her the ol’ neighborhood again.

When I was a puppy, My Girl lived away at college. But two things really bonded us. First, she is the only one who lets me break the “Murray, get off the bed!” house rule.

Second, a few years ago I needed eye surgery and she took time off work and come home from the Bay Area to nurse me while the lovebirds were on an anniversary trip in Ireland. Since then we’ve been BFFs.

My Boy, however, has been my best friend from Day 1 when he picked me out and I slept on his lap during the long drive home. He was a high school freshman and every day after track and cross-country practice I would keep him company when he took an ice bath for his legs. I was so small back then I had to stand on my hind legs to see over the edge of the tub.

Now I’m 89-pounds – “all muscle and mischief!” My Boy likes to say – and we still gator-wrestle on the ground like two young pups. My joints are old now, but I’m forever young with him. He even pretends not to notice my muzzle has grown gray.

Murray holding watch for "My Boy" and "My Girl"

Murray holding watch for “My Boy” and “My Girl”

My Boy now lives in New York City, so I don’t get to see him very often, but we sometimes Skype. Some people won’t believe this, but I knew with a sixth sense he was coming to see me five minutes before he walked through the front door. I was so happy I almost flew to the ceiling doing my “helicopter.”

For four days – it seemed like 28 – my wagging tail didn’t rest because My Boy and My Girl were both home. It was nirvana, I tell you, doggie heaven.

So you can imagine my hangdog face when I saw them packing their suitcases. My melancholy was overpowering and the closing lyrics from the Beatles’ song “Two of Us” came to my mind, although for me it’s Three of Us: “You and I have memories / Longer than the road that stretches out ahead.”

I have been napping even more than usual since they left. And my dreams have been a long road of happy memories with My Boy and My Girl.

As I hold loyal sentry at the front window watching for my two best friends to return once more, I am comforted by a quote attributed to Dr. Seuss: “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”

I can’t wait until it happens again.

*  *  *

Woody Woodburn writes a weekly column for The Ventura County Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com.

Wooden&Me_cover_PRCheck out my new memoir WOODEN & ME: Life Lessons from My Two-Decade Friendship with the Legendary Coach and Humanitarian to Help “Make Each Day Your Masterpiece”

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Lyrical Time at County Fair

by Woody

STRAW_CoverWoody’s highly anticipated new book “STRAWBERRIES IN WINTERTIME: Essays on Life, Love, and Laughter” is NOW available! Order your signed copy HERE! 

*   *   *

Have a Lyrical Time at County Fair

When you think of a county fair, a menu of things pop to mind including cotton candy and deep-fried-chocolate-covered-bacon-wrapped concoctions as well as carousel rides and Carney games and a bird’s-eye view atop a Ferris wheel.

Too, surely, you think of music.

And so, with the 141st annual Ventura County Fair’s 12 days of magic in full swing through Aug. 14, I looked up lyrics about county fairs. I was surprised not only by how many songs touch on the subject, but how many are actually titled “County Fair.”1ferriswheel

To help get you in the mood, here is a small sampling. Strum a guitar and sing along . . .

*

From “County Fair” by Bruce Springsteen:

“Every year when summer comes around

“They stretch a banner ’cross the main street in town

“You can feel somethin’ happenin’ in the air

“Getting’ ready for the county fair

 

“County fair, county fair

“Everybody in town will be there

“So come on, hey, we’re goin’ down there

“Hey little girl with the long blond hair

“Come win your daddy one of them stuffed bears

“Baby down at the county fair”

 

Additional lyrics include:

“Well baby you know I just love the sound

“Of the pipe organ on the merry-go-round

“Now at the north end of the field, well they set up a stand

“And they got a little Rock ’N’ Roll band

“The people dancin’, yeah, out in the open air

“Just rockin’ down at the county fair”

*

From “Walk Me Down the Middle” by The Band Perry:

“Walk me down the middle of the county fair

“Walk me down the middle like you don’t care

“Walk me by the Ferris wheel and make sure she sees

“Let the whole world know you belong to me”

*

From “County Fair” by Chris Ledoux:

“I got a date with a girl, a perdy ranchers daughter,

“Green as her golden hair.

“Gonna pick her up at 8 after some soap and water.

“And we’re headin’ to the county fair.

“So I’m gonna take on the Ferris wheel.

“Way up in the sky, with the stars in her eyes,

“I’m gonna tell her just how I feel.

“Well, there’s a full moon in the western sky,

“And there’s magic in the air.

“Ain’t nothin’ I know of, can make you fall in love,

“Like a night at the county fair.”

*

From “County Fair” by John Mellencamp:

“Well the County Fair left quite a mess

“In the county yard

“Kids with eyes as big as dollars

“Rode all the rides”

*

From “County Fair” by Lonestar:

“Twenty bucks buys ten coupons

“Two ears of corn and one ride on

“The tilt-a-whirl with your favorite girl

“Keep on walkin’ down the midway

“Three-eyed goats and games to play

“ ‘Step right up,’ Carney says, ‘Try your luck’

“You can tell the sweet smell of summer in the air

“Whole town shuts down, everybody’s gonna be there

“Down at the county fair”

 

And:

“Judging pigs and judging pies

“Fighting for the first place prize

“There’s nothing bigger

“In small towns everywhere

“Than the county fair”

*

From “I Like it, I Love It” by The 2 Live Crew:

“Spent forty-eight dollars last night at the county fair

“I threw out my shoulder but I won her that teddy bear

“She’s got me saying sugar-pie, honey, darlin’, and dear

“I ain’t seen the Braves play a game all year”

*

Another teddy bear prize in “Odds and Ends” by Freda Payne:

“Odds and ends of love that used to be

“You’re gone, but the memories linger on

“An old teddy bear that’s lost its hair

“You won at the county fair”

*

From “Still Think About You” by William Clark Green:

“We were something special

“Pretty big deal

“Met you at the county fair

“Kissed you on the Ferris wheel”

*

You’ve still got eight days left to ride the rides, play some games, try to win a stuffed bear, listen to a rock ‘n’ roll band, and maybe sneak a kiss on the Ferris wheel at our “County Fair with Ocean Air.”

*  *  *

Woody Woodburn writes a weekly column for The Ventura County Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com.

Wooden&Me_cover_PRCheck out my new memoir WOODEN & ME: Life Lessons from My Two-Decade Friendship with the Legendary Coach and Humanitarian to Help “Make Each Day Your Masterpiece”

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save