Monthly Archives: December 2013

Column: List For Santa

by Woody

Last-Minute List for Santa

 

            Okay Mr. Ho Ho Ho, it’s almost go-go-go time. Before you finish checking your list twice and taking off on your Amazing Race around the world, here are a few last-minute gifts to pack in your sleigh.

 

            Give anyone who is upset about Ventura’s new ban on plastic shopping bags a couple reusable ones or a roll of dimes to pay the fees for paper bags.

 

Give small local businesses more of our business.

 

Give the world another Nelson Mandela – or as close a facsimile as possible.

 

Give a lump of coal to bullies – and a deadly computer virus to cyber bullies.

 

Give the NSA 40,000 copies of George Orwell’s “1984” for all its employees – or, more simply, just play one audiobook version over a cell phone and the NSA will take it from there.

 

Give Vin Scully a few more years behind the mic.

 

Give Dodgers fans the same as above.

 

Give Russia some enlightenment on homosexuality.

 

Give many Americans the same as above.

 

Give the 2014 Boston Marathon the most glorious Patriot’s Day imaginable.

 

Give all CEOs the mindset of Patagonia founder Yvon Chouinard who helped create the “1% For The Planet” program and since 1985 has donated 1% of company sales ($46 million) to the preservation and restoration of the natural environment.

 

Give each and every member of Congress a pink slip.

 

Give America some sensible gun-control laws.

 

Give teachers extra school supplies so they don’t have to use their own money to buy them for their students.

 

Give every child spending the holidays in a hospital cancer ward a complete cure.

 

Give all adults battling cancer the same as above.

 

Give Rhiannon Potkey, who daily displays far more determination and courage than the athletes she covers, a cure for Fibromyalgia.

 

Give Mike and Bob Bryan each an extra trophy case – they’ll take care of filling it.

 

Give the Star’s Julius Gius Bellringer campaign a record total.

 

Give my humble Holiday Ball Drive, as it nears 100 new sports balls donated this year, a few more assists like these already dished out by, to name just a handful: Howard Reich, nine basketballs; Tom and Karyne Roweton, one football and one soccer ball; Sally and Tom Reeder, one volleyball, one soccer ball and one basketball; Glen Sittel, one football, one soccer ball, one basketball; and Alan Hammerand also one football, basketball and soccer ball, noting: “I chose the Boys and Girls Club because I saw the valuable services they provided to our youth during my career in probation. Quality after-school programs are a critical component in steering kids away from delinquency.”

 

Meanwhile, Linda and Jerry Mendelsohn donated 10 basketballs and 10 soccer balls to the Westpark Community Center, but the recipient children aren’t the only winners. As Jerry shared: “I took my grandson Garrick, now 3 ½, to purchase the balls with me, explaining to him how some kids are not as fortunate as he with toys, sports equipment, etc., and doing this will make them happy as well as us for helping out.”

 

And Jim Cowan helped out with his annual gift of 10 NBA basketballs, explaining: “These are in honor of the many people in my life that assisted me in developing enough skill at basketball that I was able to receive a college education! Among these folks was my dad, John Cowan. He nailed a coffee can to the garage door when I was a little boy, gave me a tennis ball to shoot with, and that was my start.

 

“Also my many coaches, including Cal Houston, Ventura Junior High School (now Cabrillo) who just turned 95 on Dec. 7; Bob Tuttle, Ventura High School; Elmer McCall, Ventura Junior College; and Aubrey Bonham, Whittier College. They not only taught me about basketball, but many life lessons as well. They were models I tried to emulate when I went into the field of education.”

 

Who can you honor by dropping off a new ball at a local youth group, fire station or other worthy charity in the next couple days? (If you do, email word of your donation to woodywriter@gmail.com).

 

Lastly, Santa, give anyone who reads this far a happy holidays and healthy 2014.

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Woody Woodburn writes a weekly column for the Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com. His new memoir WOODEN & ME is available at www.WoodyWoodburn.com and Amazon.com.

 

Column: This, That and Ball Drive

by Woody

Notes, Thoughts and Ball Drive Update


            It is beyond remarkable the number of organizations – too many to begin to list them all – and countless individuals in Ventura County who provided gift toys and winter coats and meals to those in need this holiday season.WonderfulLife

 

Seemingly every day of December My Favorite Newspaper ran a story about a person or group that has helped turn Ventura County into Bedford Falls by selflessly giving to those in need.

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Speaking of Bedford Falls, my two cents says “It’s A Wonderful Life” remains the best holiday movie followed by “A Charlie Brown Christmas.”

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            Three unsung “heroes” people love to see: the UPS deliveryman on Christmas Eve when you were worried that the last-minute gift you ordered wouldn’t arrive in time; a plumber on Thanksgiving when your house is filled with guests and a pipe has broken or the hot-water tank has burst; and a tow truck driver when your car breaks down on the freeway.

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            Another often-unsung “hero” is a gifted and caring family medicine doc who through the years provides such warm and expert care – especially to your kids, even when they become adults – that he (or she) seems like a member of the family.

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            It is amazing and maddening how many rude drivers there are on the roads, but perhaps more amazing and gladdening is how many polite ones.

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            It is a small thing, but I hate it when I’m paying cash and the total due runs a few pennies over a round dollar figure and I don’t have any small change and there’s no “Take A Penny, Leave A penny” dish at the register – meaning I am going to now have a pocketful of coins.

 

            But I love it when this happens and the employee rounds the figure down and hands me back the dollar bill that was going to cover the few cents.

 

            And I really love it, because it’s so unexpected, when this kindness happens at a big-name franchise that can usually seem so impersonal.

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            While I am generally not a fan of “big box” stores, Costco is the huge exception because its return policy is unbelievable. Basically, with a few exceptions for electronics, if you have a receipt they will cheerfully give you a full refund with no explanation for your return required. If you aren’t happy, they want to make it right.

 

            For example, while waiting in line to return a memory foam mattress topper that didn’t live up to expectations after three months – and feeling a little guilty because I waited so long while still sleeping on it – a woman in front of me returned half of a huge package of chicken. While it looked like it might have already fed a family of six, the customer walked away with a full refund no questions asked.

 

So did I.

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            However, my favorite store for customer service and a return policy that is second-to-none is our local (and world as well) treasure Patagonia Great Pacific Ironworks.

 

            When a zipper broke on a year-old backpack, I took it in to see if they could repair it and instead they replaced it – with a newer, better model.

 

            And when an aluminum water bottle got smashed beyond use after a couple years of heavy – and careless – use, I showed it to a worker almost to brag at the abuse it took while purchasing a replacement and to my great surprise was not charged. In my view, that even trumps refunding the full purchase price for half a bag of uncooked, dripping chicken.

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            Facebook makes keeping up with friends easy year-round, but there is simply nothing like an old-fashioned holiday card – usually with a photo, often with a newsletter – that arrives in the mail.

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Lastly, deepest thanks to each and all who contributed to Woody’s Holiday Ball Drive this year, including these Good Samaritans from the past week – Ron Bale, Brad and Mia Ditto, Ann Drescher,Draza Mrvichin, Roselind Seats, Jo Stalder, Stephenie, and Anonymous – who collectively donated 38 new sports balls to help bring the total of smiling faces this Christmas morning to 103!

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Woody Woodburn writes a weekly column for the Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com. His new memoir WOODEN & ME is available at www.WoodyWoodburn.com and Amazon.com.

 

Column: A Christmas Story

by Woody

Visiting Santa in a Nick of Time

 

            Seeing children visiting Santa at the mall the other day made me wonder what they are asking for – Xbox One, Razor Crazy Cart, and Big Hugs Elmo top the Toys“R”Us 2013 hot toys list – and also got me to reminiscing.

 

The winter I was five there was only one thing I wanted for Christmas. No, not a bike or baseball mitt. I already had a twice-hand-me-down two-wheeler with coaster brakes that could skid on a dime and a thirdhand mitt better than brand new because it had been broken-in to supple perfection by my two older brothers.Santa

 

What I wanted was a rope. Moreover, for some reason it had to reach from the far wall of the dining room across the house to the kitchen’s furthest wall.

 

            Mom had always taken us to Lazarus Department Store to see Santa; always on the very first day he arrived; and always she came home on the edge of a nervous breakdown after trying to keep three rambunctious young boys in line – and in line – for an hour.

 

But this year Pop promised Mom he would take us. As each day passed and Christmas drew nearer and nearer, he kept putting the visit off. When Jim, Doug and I started to whine, Pop took us aside and shared a big secret we were not to tell Mom.

 

            “If you go too soon,” he explained, “Santa sometimes forgets what you asked for. Think of all the kids he talks to. So the closer you wait until Christmas, the better the chances are Santa will remember who you are, where you live, and what you asked for. If we go see Santa on Christmas Eve afternoon, there is no way he will forget you.”

 

Pop’s real secret, of course, was this: There is no line whatsoever to see Santa on Christmas Eve afternoon because only a knuckleheaded parent would torture kids by making them wait so very long.

 

            Christmas Eve finally arrived, and sitting on Santa’s lap I said: “I want a rope that reaches all the way from the kitchen wall to the dining room wall.”

 

            “Ho-ho-ho. What else do you want, young man?”

 

            “That’s all, Santa. A long cowboy rope.”

 

            Like my parents, and Saint Nick, you surely are wondering, “Why a rope?”

 

            Gee whiz, to make a lasso for roping our dog Mac and swing from a tree like Tarzan and play Batman by making foot traps to catch Penguin and Joker (my big brothers) and a thousand other things.

 

            When we returned home from our Lazarus excursion a half-hour later – the 10-minute drive each way included – Mom shot Pop a stare that would freeze Prestone and scolded: “I told you that you waited too long! Santa was gone and now don’t you feel terrible? I’m so sorry kids … ”

 

            Pop: “They saw Santa.”

 

            Jim, Doug and me (in happy unison): “We didn’t even have to wait in line!”

 

            I’m guessing Mommy didn’t kiss Santa Clause underneath the mistletoe that night.

 

            Early Christmas morning, we tore down the stairs and tore open our presents and inside one was a fat, silky-soft, white nylon rope, the tips of both ends melted coal black to prevent unraveling.

 

Before celebrating the glorious gift, I made Pop hold one end against the dining room wall while I marched across the house with the other end.

 

            Pop admitted many years later he was literally at the end of his rope in panic because he had not measured the actual distance between the two walls; he just went out and bought a generous length of the nicest rope he could find.

 

He also confesses that as I neared the far kitchen wall, and the rope began to grow taut, he pulled his end away from the dining room wall about two feet – which, in my excitement, thankfully went unnoticed by me.

 

Indeed, I not only thought Santa came through meeting my exact specifications but I was certain this was because we waited until Christmas Eve afternoon to see him so my gift request was fresh in his mind.

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Woody Woodburn writes a weekly column for the Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com. His new memoir WOODEN & ME is available at www.WoodyWoodburn.com and Amazon.com.

 

Column: My 2013 Reading List

by Woody

‘So many books, so little time’ in 2013

 

“I guess there are never enough books,” the great author John Steinbeck once said while the late musician Frank Zappa offered this contrary observation: “So many books, so little time.”

 

I think they both hit the mark. Indeed, because I was so busy this past year writing my own contribution for the world’s endlessly expanding bookshelf – “Wooden & Me” – I found there was far too little time to reach my annual reading goal of 52 books.CaliforniosCover

 

From the 44 books I have read thus far in 2013, here is a short stack of high recommendations.

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“The Art of Fielding: A Novel” by Chad Harbach. This is not a sports novel, it is simply a terrific novel with a backdrop that happens to be a baseball diamond. Imagine Rocky Balboa as a scrawny shortstop at a tiny college suddenly destined for greatness in the Big Leagues – although underdog Henry Skrimshander’s gift could be music or painting or any other passion. Add in love and death, second chances and friendships, and a series of roller-coaster story lines and you have a one-hit shutout that keeps you on the edge of your seat until the final out – or throwing error.

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In 2012, I recommended “The Grapes of Wrath” and “East of Eden.” This year I went on a full-out John Steinbeck spree with “Cannery Row”, “Sweet Thursday”, “Tortilla Flat”, “The Winter of Our Discontent” and “Cup of Gold.” I recommend all five, and highly, although I think “Sweet Thursday” is my favorite of the handful.

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Jeff McElroy, a gifted author from Ventura County whose awards include first place in the national Writer’s Digest Short Story Contest, has long admired Steinbeck’s work and the influence is on display in “Californios: A Collection of Stories” that features powerful and gritty, yet elegant, storytelling that the master himself would have surely enjoyed.

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            Were I picking only three books to endorse this year, “The Boys in the Boat: Nine Americans and Their Epic Quest for Gold at the 1936 Berlin Olympics” byDaniel James Brown would without question make the podium – and perhaps atop in the gold-medal position. This inspirational true story is the eight-oar crew racing equivalent of the track-and-field standard “Chariots of Fire.”

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            On the topic of battling long odds, “David and Goliath: Underdogs, Misfits, and the Art of Battling Giants” by Malcolm Gladwell is a flat-out winner from start to finish.

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“One Summer: America, 1927” by Bill Bryson is a historical tapestry weaving together a wide range of people and events, although my favorite piece of yarn is Charles Lindbergh’s quest to become the first man to fly nonstop across the Atlantic.

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F. Scott Fitzgerald was on my reading list twice this year with “The Great Gatsby” which stands the test of time and “This Side of Paradise” which I wish I had left on the bookshelf to gather dust.

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            Speaking of paradise, Ventura author Ken McAlpine gets my nod of admiration for the third consecutive year. Previously, I enjoyed his nonfiction travel narratives “Islands Apart” and “Off-Season” and then his foray into fiction with “Fog” and “Together We Jump.” Now I recommend his new collection of personal essays titled “West Is Eden: Reflections On This Gift Called Life.” While it is thin on pages at 74, it is deep in emotion and enlightenment. McAlpine says, “Life’s little moments aren’t little at all” – nor is this small book little.

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Another paradise-themed book, though thicker at 440 pages, that beautifully examines the gifts of life – and nature – is “Son of the Wilderness: The Life of John Muir” by Linnie Marsh Wolfe.

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Lastly, the first book I read in 2013 definitely merits mention: “The Other Wes Moore: One Name, Two Fates” by Wes Moore. “Our roots help to determine our routes” is a line from this book that features one Wes Moore who had roots trying to grow on cracked pavement and fed by drugs and negative role models while the other Wes Moore – the author and Rhodes Scholar – had a network of strong nurturing roots reaching deep into hearty soil, albeit inner-city soil, that refused to let the gale winds he encountered topple him.

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Woody Woodburn writes a weekly column for the Star and can be contacted at WoodyWriter@gmail.com. His new memoir WOODEN & ME is available at www.WoodyWoodburn.com and Amazon.com.